Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Will he come back?

"Will he come back?" was the subject line of this interesting email I got today.

Some people get junk email about increasing the size of their manhood. Some people get junk email encouraging them to do their holiday shopping with various online retailers. I get junk email from astrologers seeking to help me with my love life.

When I first saw this in my inbox, I thought, "How did they know? Of course they know! They're astrologers!" but then I thought that since it did come into my inbox in the form of "potential junk email" I quickly threw out the fact this came from the stars to my computer. Also, if they really hope to help me with my love life, this astrology special certainly needs more than the three free promotional minutes, and in this time of a tough economy, I just don't know that I can take the change on the additional $1.99 per minute afterward.

Additionally, if I'm the one who has to determine if this email is junk or not, are there really any psychic powers swirling around in the universe? Just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Am I wearing pants? So many questions.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Skinny Fat Girl Snacks

I'm the queen of the 100-calorie packs. I stash them everywhere, in my purse, in my desk at work. I figure even if I slam three 100-calorie packs into my pie hole, then that's at least only 300 calories. And I feel like I've eaten a lot.

Now, through sheer brilliance, Hostess is releasing Twinkies in 100-calorie packs. From the AP, "Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy." It makes me think there might be a baby Jesus.

So, I'm wondering now, if you were to deep-fry a 100-calorie pack of Twinkies, would that be better for you?
And for the record, the top five 100-calorie packs in my life are 1) Hostess carrot cake 2) Grasshopper cookies 3) Strawberry n' Yogurt Chex Mix 4) Hostess carrot cake and probably 5) Hostess carrot cake.

For more Twinkie news, check out the current article at cnn.com. And no, this isn't my finest post but I'm busy this week.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Three cheers for color-sponsored diseases!

I don’t want to sound insensitive and all, especially since I haven’t graced my blog with my presence in over a month, but I am a little over all of the Think Pink for Breast Cancer stuff that’s become the latest trend. I know that might come as a shock to those who have been to my apartment and have seen the overabundance of pink stuff I have collected over the years, but that was before everything was pink. Finding pink stuff used to be a challenge and when something was found in a nifty pink, it was like finding a rosy little treasure.

I’m not here to bash on cancer awareness, believe me, especially not this month. However, after watching yet another pink boob cancer merchandise report on E! News tonight, I felt it was time to get out of my funk and do one of the things I do well, offer unbiased opinions on random topics using razor-sharp humor topped with colored, melancholy sprinkles.

Ah bloggy blog, how I’ve missed you so. I shall never lead you astray again.

So! Pink stuff for cancer awareness! I’m thrilled that the proceeds from these items go toward research and such, but why should we single out merely the breasts? Why not make a line of white kitsch for bone cancer research? How about a line of brown stuff for colon cancer awareness? Now, I realize that the phrase “line of brown stuff for colon cancer awareness” might be a bit crass for my classier readers (my sister-in-law), but I cracked myself up while writing it, especially on a subject that is so scary and claims the lives of good people every year. Cancer will claim an estimated 565,650 deaths in 2008, to be exact, and though that number is falling, it doesn’t bring back those who lost the battle.

Colon cancer awareness month should be in October, when the leaves are changing color and everything is brown and autumnesque anyway. Why not procure UPS as a sponsor? What can brown do for you? Make you aware of your colon, that’s what. Hell, throw in a UPS guy, a few Chocodiles and an early Zune and you’ve got the makings for a fantastic colon cancer awareness celebration. In fact, why not set up mobile colon screenings in the back of a UPS truck, then end the session with a Chocodile and a kiss (Hershey’s, of course), encouraging a probe for all. I can tell my marketing mind is racing now.

According to a February 2008 article in Science Daily, colorectal cancer incidence rates decreased from 1998 through 2004 in both males and in females, so I guess if you were diagnosed after 2004, you’re pretty much hosed. Bet you would have gotten checked out if you had your limited edition Ugg-sponsored colon cancer awareness boots! You wouldn’t be so hosed then, now would you?

I jest because this is all serious stuff, and my point is that we should be aware of all of it, regardless of pink, brown or polka-dot sponsored toaster ovens. We should continue raising awareness until there is a cure for any kind of cancer, because until that happens, we will continue to be affected— whether it happens to us or those we love. Take care of yourselves, get checked by a doctor, work out, eat as best as you can... I hear your pooper will thank you for it.

And, for the record, I will continue to buy pink stuff, regardless of what it signifies. Once girly, always girly.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Wait for it...

Soon, lambs, soon. It's coming. The new redesign and new thrilling adventures of my blog. I realize it's been on hiatus, but since this week marks the beginning of many new television shows, thus marks the beginning of new bloggish-type things.

Monday, August 04, 2008

"Breaking Dawn"

Yep, I jumped on the bandwagon this weekend and bought the last book in Stephenie Meyers' Twilight series. I went with some friends for the midnight release of Breaking Dawn this past Friday, and after learning I needed to pre-order said book in order to get a decent place in line, ended up leaving and buying it on Saturday morning anyway.

The sight for a Friday night at Barnes and Noble was outstanding: 3,000 screaming teenage girls all clad in prom attire just hoping for the touch of the book in their clammy little hands. If not for the half-bottle of wine I drank prior to the adventure, I don't know that I would have been able to handle it.

I'm about midway through the book right now, and as near as I can tell, it's just okay. I'm more into the vampire thing than the werewolf thing, and there's quite a bit of the werewolf thing going on to this point. That's all I'm going to say until I finish the whole book, as well as give everyone else a chance to finish the book. I don't want to spoil anyone's fun.

You can't really tell from this photo, but here's part of the outdoor gathering just before they let out the indoor crowd about 11:55 pm:


And here's an article from the Associated Press this morning:
(AP) NEW YORK — Harry Potter is still king, but the final book of Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series did manage a million-selling debut.

"Breaking Dawn," the fourth of Meyer's sensational teen vampire series, sold 1.3 million copies in the first 24 hours after its midnight, Aug. 2 release. Publisher Little, Brown Books for Young Readers announced Monday that it has gone back for 500,000 more copies, making the total print run 3.7 million.

The numbers for "Breaking Dawn" are comparable to the openings of a pair of famous memoirs: former President Clinton's "My Life" and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's "Living History." But they don't approach the unveiling of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." The seventh and final volume of J.K. Rowling's fantasy series sold 8.3 million copies in its first 24 hours in the United States alone.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Role Reversal...

I seem to always have interesting experiences when I'm at the gym. After logging four miles in 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer this evening (feeling aggro during the day apparently equals a giant sweat-fest for a workout at night), I noticed this guy getting on a machine next to me who had a crazy little rat tail just like Keith's on Project Runway. I didn't think much of it other than, "hmmm, that guy has a crazy little rat tail just like Keith's on Project Runway.... and a shoulder tattoo just like Keith's... and glasses... waaaait a minute..."

I ran as Keith ran, and as I finished up my workout, I contemplated shouting, "I HATED YOUR DRESS LAST NIGHT!" You know the one that Michael Kors said looked like it was made of toilet paper caught in a windstorm? But there's nothing worse than being recognized when you're a giant sweaty mess, unless of course, you're a giant sweaty mess yourself. When to my surprise a guy walked up to Keith and, from what I could gather, started professing that he was a huge fan.

I chuckled a bit as I left the elliptical to finish with a run on the treadmill, but for what it's worth, even though Keith's hanky dress was a miss he does have pretty nice ass.


Here is one of the best newspaper headlines I've read in a long time:
Teen needs 300 stitches after knife and battle-ax attack

Where exactly does one get a functioning Medieval battle-ax, and once they get one, what would compel them to hit someone with one? The article finally draws the conclusion that the detectives ended up catching the culprit because his car's Insane Clown Posse bumper sticker matched the Insane Clown Posse necklace found at the scene of the crime. Does listening to ICP really lead to violent craziness? And just who is the police detective that honed such fine Nancy Drew skills to put two and two "Juggalo" clues together?

These are all questions I have this afternoon.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

A sternly worded letter...

Update 08/05/08:
The exceptionally nice general manager of the Cheesecake Factory called me last night to discuss my letter. Not only do I appreciate him taking the time out to address what I wrote, I also appreciate his sincerity. While this experience wasn't the greatest, I do like how he took the letter seriously and has committed to working with his staff of these issues. Who says the pen isn't mightier than the sword?

I seem to be writing a lot of these lately. Last one was earlier this month to Einstein Bagels who all but wiped their butt with my turkey sandwich that took 30 minutes to make. Needless to say, if anyone ever needs a sternly worded letter written, please submit your request for my writing in writing.

Dear Cheesecake Factory,
We were extremely excited to try this location, as everyone in our work department had only been to the Las Vegas Cheesecake Factory location. We left work with the anticipation of a great dining experience for a working lunch meeting, yet all five of us were horrified at what ensued. Upon arrival, we had no problem accepting the 35 minute wait for a table, however after being seated and promptly ordering (we had plenty of wait time to decide on what we wanted to eat), we were surprisingly forced to endure another 40 minute wait for our appetizer. It was only when we reminded our server that we had ordered edamame (not a tough dish to prepare and/or serve) as an appetizer she finally brought that out. We never received our salads we ordered with our lunch entrees, though we did get the side servings of dressing that sat out on the table for nearly an hour, and instead got our lunches (term used loosely because of the shoddy quality of the food and cold temperatures). Finally, we were served the salads as dessert, though couldn’t eat the dressings because of the congealed skin that had formed in nearly two hours since we first got it. Then, imagine our disappointment when we noticed that parties much larger than ours were finished with their lunches and vacating their tables as the bussers were hurredly resetting those places for new, unwitting diners. Because we were already three hours into this lunch, we didn't feel we had two more hours to spend on bringing up our dissatisfaction with our server and therefore went to the manager to help us out. We were told, "You should have said something sooner" and were promptly dismissed, again punished for simply trying to enjoy a nice lunch. For a place with a monumental reputation such as Cheesecake Factory, I should think I wouldn't have to even let you know we had these issues. I understand the position the recipient of this complaint letter is in, as I am the person at my company who answers customer complaints, but I could not sit idly by and allow this experience, kind of service and product slide past you. I speak for our entire group when I say we will never spend money at the Cheesecake Factory again in this lifetime and I will be sure to let anyone else know this opinion if they are considering patronizing your establishment. It is shameful to experience this kind of lunch with a restaurant with name recognition like the Cheesecake Factory, and quite honestly the hours spent at this Utah location should have been spent driving the 400 miles south to your restaurant in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your time,

Monday, July 28, 2008

Saw It!

I've seen quite a few live shows in my day, but this was by far the best stand-up ever! I have loved Eddie for years now, and finally got a chance to see him at the Palms in Vegas this past Friday. He was even more brilliant than in Dress to Kill, if at all possible, and his show went for over two hours. I had killer seats in the third row, so I could watch his dreamy blue eyes up-close for the entire time.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Deeper Meaning?

Last night, I had a dream that the guy I'm dating buried me in a hole with a large Starbuck's latte and a Hickory Farms Yard O'Beef like you would get at a mall kiosk during the holidays.

Disturbed even this morning, I'm mad at him for doing this.

In order to find some kind of deeper meaning in this interesting dream, I consulted an online dream dictionary. This will surely help me sort things out! If it's on the internets, it's accurate, right?

Here are some of the main themes of last night's dream and their meanings from an onine dream dictionary:
Coffee- Stimulation. Sometimes over-excitement. A need to slow down.
Hole- Escape. Search. Denial. Looking for an answer or hidden from it.
Cow (since it was the closest thing I could find to Hickory Farms holiday Yard O' Beef from a mall kiosk)- Docile and productive. Great prosperity in all ventures but watch out your own affairs carefully. Cows promise abundant fulfillment of hopes and desires.

I don't know how accurate this online dream dictionary really is. According to this analysis, I am trying to escape from the over-stimulation of a Yard O' Beef that will bring me all my wildest dreams and desires. I find it disheartening that I don't eat meat, yet this dream shows I will be eternally stuck in a hole with the Yard O' Beef. Is this a metaphor for men in general or perhaps a gentle reminder to start my Christmas shopping to avoid holiday stress?

Maybe I just need a better dream dictionary?

Friday, July 18, 2008

First "Sweating to the Oldies..."

Now it's Cardioke! I saw an infomercial for this while I was working out the other night and I nearly peed my stretchy pants. I get the whole concept that it's a great workout to sing and dance together, and we all know the rigors that high-energy singer/dancers like Madonna or Justin Timberlake go through to be able to do what they do on stage. But they get paid to sing. Part of their job is to sing and dance... together. We are disappointed if they are not smoking hot. They're not old lady neighbor, Betty, trying to belt out the lyrics to "Unwritten." The last time I heard a rendition of "Unwritten" that horrifying, I had lapsed into a vodka-induced coma while watching episodes of The Hills.

I had no idea that Billy Blanks (a.k.a. "Mr. Tai-Bo") had a son, and I wonder if Cardioke really is the "latest craze" or if he's trying to capitalize on all those family fitness dollars.

In case you'd like to start doing the Cardioke, here is the very same stretchy pants-wetting promo I saw with my very own eyes:

In other news, Gev left So You Think You Can Dance last night, which I wholeheartedly believe is one of the most undeserved exits in the show's four season history. His solo was amazing, he was the best all-around performer on the show, and I will miss seeing his cute face every Wednesday night. On the upshot, he'll be back to Utah and at dance rehearsals soon, I'm sure. Also, I'll have my Wednesday night freed up for Project Runway.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Gev still rocking!

Last night, Gev had to change partners and ended up with fellow Utahn Chelsey. He's fantastic, such a good friend and it's great seeing him just kick some major ass on So You Think You Can Dance.

Check it out:

Nigel will forever have some kind of weird bias against Gev, it seems. It's like if he says anything complimentary, he has to negate it with some kind of backward, pithy slam. And the part about him not holding his own during the Jive was completely untrue, Gev is in it to win it and each week continues to prove why he will remain on the show for quite some time!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Things not to do while driving...

I've seen people reading magazines while driving, and there certainly is no shortage of people text messaging while behind the wheel. For some reason this morning, this guy's usage of a very large electric toothbrush made me laugh:

Monday, July 14, 2008

My Political Good Deed

I don't like to make this blog too political, however, my friends Jon and Jaime down at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, UT have alerted me to this worthy cause. I'm thinking of getting a little adopted kitty (If I can get over the thought of becoming a single, cat lady. First step, get a cat. Second step, regrow the hymen) and I will definitely get a shelter animal if I do! If you're a blogger, please copy this information onto your blog to spread the word as much as we can!

From Adopt a dog on Facebook:
"If Sen. Barack Obama becomes president, he’ll instantly be faced with decisions that will affect millions of Americans. Obama will also soon be making a decision that could affect millions of American dogs. It has been reported that once the election is over, win or lose, the Obamas will be looking for a new four-legged family member (much to his daughters’ delight).

We, the members of this group, urge the Obama family to rescue a homeless dog. Whether they choose to adopt a purebred or a mutt, this action would undoubtedly cause a ripple effect to the benefit of all homeless animals. In a country where millions of dogs are killed each year in shelters, purchasing from a breeder or pet store is not an ethical choice. Taking a stand by choosing to save a life would set an example of the highest standard."

Click here for the Facebook page.
Click here to sign the petition.
Click here for the website

...and I can't get up...

For the second year in a row, a Miss USA has turfed it during the Miss Universe pageant. Maybe because I seem to fall off things so often (generally at the gym), but I love watching people fall down. If they're not hurt, I like to watch the recovery process. With that, I bring you some of my favorite famous biffs.

Miss Universe pageant this year (Crystie Stewart, Miss USA 2008)

Miss Universe pageant last year (Rachel Smith, Miss USA 2007)

And from 2006, the Grape Stomp will go down in history as my favorite fall... ever!

They're Day-Glo!

There are few things more relaxing than getting a fresh pedicure. In fact, I rank a pedicure just somewhere between a fairly explicit mid-day Daniel Craig fantasy and finding a hot pair of True Religion jeans marked down. But yesterday's pedicure experience left me a bit off-kilter, though with fabulous toes.

I went to the gym for quite some time yesterday and decided my toes needed a little TLC. I located a cheapie "Open on Sunday in Utah" pedicure place and got seated even without an appointment. Soon after I sat down and stuck my feet in the foot bath, this fairly harsh woman and her daughter rushed in and demanded immediate attention. The daughter sat down next to me, and as the pedicure girl began belt-sanding her callouses, she sort of stops and says to the girl, "You have toe fungus."

"I DO?!?" the girl gasped in shock.

I shot the girl a disgusted "You're such a dirty pirate-leper" look.

The pedicure girl confirmed, "Toe. Fungus."

The daughter didn't really say much, but just sat there and let pedicure girl continue (after pedicure girl located some plastic gloves), then when the daughter's rude mother insisted they sit together, she changed chairs.

"That lady said I have toe fungus, mom," said the daughter as she put on her paper flip flops and waddled down the row of chairs. "TOE FUNGUS!!"

The rude mother replied, "That's ridiculous. You're not dirty."

Meanwhile, another customer came in and was seated in dirty toe fungus daughter's original chair. Now, waaaait a minute! Dirty toe fungus daughter changes chairs, and though they put new water in her original foot bath, I didn't ever see anybody use any bleach and/or disinfectant.

Though my new toes are so bright I will be able to dress like a ninja and jog barefoot at night without getting hit by a car, I have to wonder if I need to be more concerned with the cleanliness of establishments I frequent.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Fall off, and get back on?

I've written before about my little gym mishaps, but the other night actually left me with a bit of an injury. Simply put, I fell off the treadmill.

Apparently when you use an armband holder for your iPod, you're supposed to put the device in UPSIDE-DOWN so you can read the display and so the scroll wheel isn't backward for you. I failed to do this, and thought I would live with it for just one workout.

About 15 minutes into my run on the treadmill, I became restless with my music selection and began fiddling with the improperly stowed iPod. I must have been listing to the side because my foot got caught on the side of the moving belt and it wasn't until I was sort of flailing off the side and then down the whole length of the treadmill onto the floor that I saw my life flash in front of my eyes.

I picked myself back up, and ran even faster as if to say, "See? I'm still INCREDIBLY athletic!" but appalled that nobody rushed to my rescue; not even to ask if I was okay. Still, maybe it is karma that if I would've seen me, I would've laughed uncontrollably too.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Spumoni = Holy Trinity?

From the Deseret News today, an ice cream shop customer allegedly found Jesus staring back from some Spumoni. My favorite quote from the photo, "We weren't sure if we should scoop... him." So the Holy Trinity is chocolate, pistachio and strawberry?

My question: if Jesus were going to appear to us, why does he continually choose to appear in food? Grilled Cheese sandwiches and now ice cream. I guess I sort of assumed he was healthier than that, what with all the fishes and loaves and stuff.

But that's just me.

Mark your calendar!

I'm sure 7-11 will love me for this, but mark down that in honor of July 11 (that's tomorrow) it's free Slurpee day! That's right! On 07/11 head down to your neighborhood 7-11 and pick up your free ounces of liquid crack, err, sugar.

On the upshot, they make Crystal Light Slurpees these days and I think you can score one for about 30 calories.

Just add vodka.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Not very motivated

Hey all, haven't necessarily been very motivated to post on the old blog lately. Mostly because I think that all four of my readers have dropped off.

Until I find my motivation, I ran across this article that sounded quite a bit like something that would happen to me.

With that, I present, "Teen finds bat in her bra while wearing it" for your Wednesday viewing pleasure:

From KUTV.com
Abbie Hawkins was left in shock after realizing a bat had been curled up inside her bra for five hours while she was wearing it.

The 19-year-old says she found a baby bat, about the size of her hand, tucked away in the padded pocket of her undergarment.

She says, "it looked very snug in there and I thought how mean I was for disturbing it."

Hawkins says she got dressed for work as usual and felt a slight vibration when driving but thought her cell phone was going off.

The bat apparently got into Hawkins' bra when the bra was hanging on the clothing line outside the night before.

The bat was unharmed and released outside.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

On a Jet Plane

Heading out of town for the next week-ish so I won't be posting. Maybe I will. Who knows?

If I stay sober, I'll post.

If not, I still might post. Look at tonight, for example. Much red wine while packing and still letting all my loyal reader* know I'm leaving on vacation to my brother's wedding and might not be posting.

I'm such a good kid.

*Yes, that's a joke, not a drunk slip.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A few random thoughts...

Every once in awhile, I do a post with random thoughts. Actually, every post is pretty random, but rather than a specific story about something, here are some things that have been kicking around in my head.

1. Gold's Gym needs to have some kind of an edit button on their televisions that disallows food commercials from playing to people working out. I don't want to be sweating my figurative balls off on a treadmill while watching that Honda CR-V commercial that turns cookie dough into an SUV. I don't want to see people eating Wendy's hand-twirled shakes. Papa John's pizza commercials that pop up at the gym are also evil. To that turn, I don't want to walk outside and smell greasy restaurant food from Fiddler's Elbow, Salt Lake Pizza and Pasta or Pei Wei. It's just plain mean.

2. Making a grilled cheese sandwich on the stove with buttery-flavored spray, 45-calorie wheat bread and fat-free cheese is nearly as satisfying as using the full octane ingredients. I have also discovered fake eggs in a milk carton-like container are great for a quick omelette. Throw in some Laughing Cow cheese and it's a party in every breakfast. Almost.

3. It's June 11 and I just had the heat on. I also wore my favorite cashmere sweater to work today. Global. Warming. My. Ass.

4. Vote for Gev on So You Think You Can Dance tonight.

5. I found a glorious recipe for fake breaded chicken fingers that are easy, yummy and low calorie. God bless the Hungry Girl Web site. Check out the chicken fingers recipe here and then buy the book for more ideas. I have to warn you that the low cal alfredo, however, isn't as satisfying. All of the ingredients globbed into a giant low-cal parmesean ball, rendering it inedible. Maybe it's me. If you have success, let me know.

6. For some reason, the word "wang" really made us laugh at lunch today. It made my whole day better.

7. There was a lady in Orem who just threw away $200,000 and didn't realize it until the garbage truck was at the landfill. She and her friend went there, and after saying a prayer, found the bag containing the money. I'm wondering if this whole "prayer" thing works even if you didn't chuck your two-hundred grand. If so, I "pray" for Jonathan Knight of the New Kids on the Block (or a guy from New England) to call, a lifetime supply of Diet Dr. Pepper and, oh fine, world peace. I'm guessing, though, these three things are not sitting in a landfill in Utah County. Click here for the story from KUTV News.

8. Mascara and luggage locks will actually cost you $50 in other impulse buys.

9. Because my airline of choice only lets passengers check one piece of luggage, I had to shell out for a new suitcase last night. Though extremely cute (see picture above), I now realize the charge for checking two smaller bags is less than the charge for a new large bag.

10. I'm feeling a little blah lately. Come see Rocky Horror on Saturday night, and buy me a shot. (Another shameless plug, click here for the post from earlier today.)

It's Baaaack...

Yep, Rocky Horror in Concert again THIS Saturday night! Don't miss it, because who knows when we'll do it again? Also, check out my legs in the picture above... sure, I'm just in the band, but the legs look really good and are worth the price of admission alone.

(That was a shameless plug for my legs)

Here's the info for the show:

Rocky Horror Show in Concert!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Time: 10:00pm - 11:45pm
Location: MoDiggity's (a private club for members)
3424 S. State St.
Salt Lake City, UT
Click here for map

The Rocky Horror Show LIVE in Concert returns for one fabulous summer night in June! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure!

Tickets are $12 at the door.
Advanced purchase and group discounts available online at http://www.rockyhorrorinconcert.com/tickets.html
For more information, go to www.myspace.com/therockyhorrorshow2007 and/or www.rockyhorrorinconcert.com

So, show up and since I'm getting ready to go on vacation next week, I'll let you buy me a shot of Patron! Isn't that nice of me?

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Disappointment in the City

After waiting a week for the crowds of women to clear, Urban Princess and I went and saw Sex and the City this afternoon. While it was a nice bit of diversion from the stress and melancholia of the past week, I wouldn't say it was a great movie that I'd recommend as a "totally must-see."

You can understand my disappointment since Sex and the City was one of my favorite shows. I still watch the episodes over and over whenever I'm feeling down as I own every season on DVD. I woke up this morning early to fit in a long workout before settling into my movie treat of Diet Coke and Red Vines, and I felt like I was treated to two hours of Cream of Wheat. Bland. Too much effort for the payoff. It was pretty ho-hum, and left me bummed. (That rhymed)

Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of funny moments. One line in particular even made me laugh out loud. However, when I actually make the time to go to a movie theatre, I don't want to walk away feeling like something is missing. Sex and the City was missing a plot. Over two hours of celluloid, and no storyline. Yep, I said it. I don't think this makes me less of a woman to shun the bandwagon, I think it shows I have taste.

In one summation, while the shoes and clothes were brilliant, it just wasn't enough.

Chalk this up to another case of a television show translating poorly to the big screen. I guess the only thing more boring would've been a full length Golden Girls movie.

Friday, June 06, 2008


As the sound of a rainstick filled the Wendy's lunchtime bustling, we realized the lady had pulled out just one lid too many.

At $4 a gallon...

I exaggerate. Gas isn't quite $4 a gallon; the gas I bought this morning was only $3.87. ONLY! I remember when I started driving, and had to gas up my mom's Ford Thunderbird. Gas was $1.25. On a bad week. My, how times have changed.

At 6:30 this morning I stopped to put gas in my vehicle and as the dollars ticked higher and higher, I felt something like a rain shower on top of my head. As I looked up, I noticed that a piece of the gas pump that connects the hose to the top of the unit was broken and gasoline was shooting out like a Bellagio fountain (sans the Andrea Bocelli soundtrack). There I stood, marinading in "Regular," mad that not only did I stink, but seeing all that gas pooling on the pavement was like flushing a wad of twenties down the toilet.

What's even worse, was that when I finally shut off the pump and hung up the nozzle, I went inside and told the lady, "Hey, your pump out there is broken and raining gas down onto people." She replied, "Oh yeah, I forgot to write that up the other day."

The other day?!?

I had just enough time to change my outfit this morning, but I probably wouldn't smell my hair until I can go home and wash it.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Daring to Dream...

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a big rack, but I always said that it would mess up my dancing. Thanks to Kelly, I now see that is a completely accurate assumption!

With Kelly's brilliant vision, I have my breast dream embodied... err, emBOOBIED! Again, check out her blog here for a daily dose of her girl-powered cartoons. Such an artistic talent! (I like the pointe shoes she gave me; they make my arches look perfect! If I could just see my feet over my boobs!)

Confucius Say...

I've never used a fortune pump before, but this particular gas station brings insight on gas prices, undoubtedly.

Also magically typifies my thoughts on the day so far.

Upon further reflection, I have to comment on this rogue editor's blatant non-use of the adverb "slowly." Was he being smartly cheeky or does he need to "pull his head out" too?

Upon further further reflection, I apparently have to "pull MY head out" as another rogue editor, to my delight, has added a proper "ly" to "slow." All is right in grammarland.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

So You Think You Can Dance 4

A little background on me? In case you didn't know, I'm a dancer. I've danced since I was three; that makes nearly three decades of dance. I've done ballet, I've done jazz and despite messed up knees and feet, I even competed in ballroom. It's the thing I love dearly, and dancing definitely gives me a release from "real life." Sadly, I'm too much of an old lady to be on So You Think You Can Dance and despite being three months too old to audition this past January, it doesn't stop me from rooting for my friends!

Last night, Gev, a fantastic guy who danced with the company I dance with gave a stellar performance for the Salt Lake City round of auditions. He auditioned a couple of years ago, but didn't make the cut, and since then I've seen him progress and work his ass off taking other styles of dance to round out his breaking. I knew he'd do a great job, but more importantly he's just a genuine guy. He never walks into a rehearsal without stopping to tell everyone hello and give them a hug. Last month at a rehearsal, he told me I was skinny...

He's got my vote!

Check out the clip:

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Back up and running!

I have had some serious router/internet issues here at home for over a week now and have not been able to get online with my DSL. Looks like things are all fixed and happy and I promise, lambs, I'll resume blogging very very soon.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I'm Famous.

Nevermind that I've been on radio and television in the Salt Lake area for quite some time now. My name has actually appeared in my friend's divorce papers, and it's hysterical.

(All names have been withheld to protect my own ass)

"For Christmas 2007, xxx put a bag from Victoria's Secret full of sexy panties under the tree and told me that a girl she works with 'Holly Braithwaite' gave them to her because xxx told Holly that I wouldn't buy her any new panties."

It's true. I bought "sexy panties" for a girl friend of mine for Christmas 2007. I like the quotes around my name like I allegedly call myself that. I also think that if I have a band one day I'm going to call it "Holly Braithwaite" and the Sexy Panties. We will play German polka music.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Random Images

Here are some random pictures taken from my phone while in the Long Beach airport, aka, "Satan's Butthole:"

This is the entire airport.

In case a flight breaks down, one of these available birds will take you and your luggage to the appropriate destination.

Right when you walk out the doors, your flight is waiting for you.

My toes look cute as I'm waiting.

This is a highly unfortunate bathing suit Urban Princess and I saw while at Old Navy this afternoon. This is not on an actual human. This is a print of an orchid-like flower that wraps around from back to front, however, I will refrain from expressing what we really called it.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Stuck in Hell

Today, I've been extremely happy for my whole flight from Boston to Long Beach, trying to end up somewhere near home in Salt Lake City. When I booked my flight, I thought that Long Beach wasn't that far from Salt Lake, but what I didn't take into account was the fact I'd be on my way here from the East Coast, which is about the farthest possible flight I could take without continuing onto Japan.

The Long Beach airport is a sad little place, there aren't any gates, rather, they sort of just wheel stairs up to the side of the plane while it's sitting out on the runway. When inside the single room, you find a bunch of sad people sort of wandering around, wondering if they're in the right place because none of the "gates" are labeled.

I saw a bird walking around on the carpet in front of me.

It's like the Long Beach airport has zapped all the fond memories of my trip this past weekend, that lasted right up until I walked through the doors of Logan International earlier this morning.

This little friend I rode at my almost sister-in-law's bachelorette party was certainly an interesting experience, yet definitely not the highlight of the trip:

There were many other good times this weekend, leaving me with thoughts of, "what now?"

Thursday, May 01, 2008

The tooth saga continues. Still. Again.

While my tooth saga continues right up to my leaving for the east coast tomorrow evening, I have to admit there are some good people in the world. I finally decided to get a second opinion on why I was getting the dental run around since March. (Which, incidentally, is the last time I had a good night's sleep. Wednesday March 26, to be specific.) I decided to get a second opinion at Sugarhouse Dental Spa because if I was going to have to pay, I wanted a massage and a latte out of the deal. Not only are the folks who work there fantastic, but they immediately whisk you into a massage chair while you fill out your paperwork, and offer you a coffee.

Dr. Graham there confirmed everything my dentist had said about the debacle that has turned out to be my whole mouth, but he explained it in a way that made everything seem all better, and while he didn't fix anything today, I felt okay about the whole thing. As soon as I get all squared away, I'll return in six months for my cleaning.

And another latte.

And a paraffin dip on my hands.

So I leave on a jet plane tomorrow night, and when I return, I'll get that pesky root canal and maybe finally a full night of rest. While I'm excited to head to Boston, I am continually amazed about the cool stuff we have right here in Salt Lake. Namely, Larry Miller's Motorsports Park. Having always liked cars (my mom says I got the name Holly after her favorite movie, Breakfast at Tiffany's. My dad says I got the name Holly after his 1966 Corvette which had a Holley carburetor. I guess everyone won.) I found this particularly interesting.

The other night I met the host of the following video who had been out at Larry's raceway all day doing donuts in Mustangs and drooling over Shelbys. Rough job, for sure. And when I get back from Baahston next week, I'll have to play tourist in my own backyard and check out this great car museum we seemingly overlook here.

You can check out more at Garage419. It doesn't suck.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Stimulate my Economics... please

The government started giving back a little love today, in the form of some random money that should mysteriously show up in our bank accounts and mailboxes— sometime. I'm guessing that since I filed my 2007 taxes online, it should show up in my bank account sometime in the next two weeks. But do I save it or spend it?

According to a news story tonight, "The White House hopes Americans will spend the money and boost the economy." I'm all for spending money, and am quite good at it, but what if I just tucked it away and forgot about it? What if I actually, perish the thought, saved? Still, I did see this dress the other night that, literally, whispered out my name. I'll never wear this dress, mind you, but I must own it. Save Schmave.

For those as clueless as I feel about all this stuff lately, here's a schedule of when you can count on your minor ducats gracing your presence:

Direct Deposit: Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate should be deposited by:
00-20: May 2
21-75: May 9
76-99: May 16

By Mail: Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate check should be mailed by:
00-09: May 16
10-18: May 23
19-25: May 30
26-38: June 6
39-51: June 13
52-63: June 20
64-75: June 27
76-87: July 4
88-99: July 11

For the next two weeks, I'll anxiously check my online banking on an hourly basis. It's like Christmas, except better because there's no extended family and it's not cold. While I'm not sure exactly how much I'll get back, and if I count on the maximum of $600, my luck lately says I should get roughly $3. With that, I could buy a Diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of Red Vines.

What are you gonna' get?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Greetings from…

While driving back to Salt Lake from St. George today, I started paying attention to, remembering and pondering those crazy little slogans that are on signs whenever you drive past a small town. I don't quite know why these signs are necessary. It's not like I'm going to be driving somewhere and think, "Woah! There's a city that boasts the world's largest chunk of cheese! Better pull over!"

To my knowledge, we don't have a sign like that when driving into Salt Lake City. Unless you count the sign just past the airport that reads, "Welcome to Salt Lake City, home of the 2002 Winter Olympics." I don't think that's the same thing, that's just holding onto the past.

With that, I bring to you some of my favorite city signs while driving the stretch of I-15 from Salt Lake City to St. George, Utah:

My very favorite: "Iron County— Saluting the Triple Deuce!" A single deuce deserves acknowledgement. A double deuce merits applause. You salute the triple deuce.

1.) "Welcome to Cedar City! 'Festival City, U.S.A.'" If I were seeking out a festival, I wouldn't think of Cedar City. Sure, the Shakespearean Festival is extremely big and important for the economy there, they even won a Tony Award. Sure, that was years ago. And it was a regional Tony Award. So it's not really a Tony Award. Move on and cut the cord, Cedar City, it's not like you hosted the 2002 Winter Olympics.

2.) "Beaver City— Mountains of fun! Best drinking water in the U.S.A." I always snicker a bit when I travel through Beaver, and now that I know it's "Mountains of Fun," that snicker is more a snort. Not as much as a snort as when Beaver's sign slogan was "Live a little!" Because well... I don't want to be living at all in Beaver. Guys I've driven with believe differently. It's this whole drinking water thing that gets me, I just read Forbes "Best Drinking Water in the U.S." list that came out earlier this month, and Beaver was no where to be found on that list. The list mentions San Diego, Calif., Jackson, Miss., and Mobile, Ala., have the lowest levels of lead, Tucson, Ariz., and Billings, Mont., have the lowest levels of turbidity (because I hate it whenever I'm feeling turbid) and Beaver, Utah doesn't rear its head, err, tail. Turns out that in 2006 the National Rural Water Association awarded Beaver the title of "Best Drinking Water in the Nation." That's no Forbes Magazine! That's rural Skeeter taking gulps from the pond! And what's the water like now? Perhaps now, two years later, Beaver water is leaded and turbid, but still "Mountains of fun!"

3.) "You're in Sandy City— The 34th Safest City in America." Okay, come on Sandy City, 34th? What kind of a number is 34? If you were one of the top 10, maybe, certainly one of the top 5 then I could understand the benefits of that. But 34? Now you're stretching. For some reason this reminded me of this scene in Clerks:
Dante: This is different, this is important. How many? Well?
Veronica: Something like… 36.
Dante: What? Something like 36?
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway? Something like 36? Does that include me?
Veronica: Uh, 37.
Dante: I'm 37?

4.) "Parowan City— Where good things happen." I've been to Parowan twice in my life. Neither time did "good things happen." Ever. I've had "good things happen" in Plano, Texas, I've even had "good things happen" in Wilmington, Delaware. When I think of "good things happening," they're not happening in Parowan. Weird things happen in Parowan, I am convinced, as I passed another billboard emblazoned with an exploding mushroom cloud with the headline reading, "What do you do when disaster strikes?" Underneath it was a URL for Parowan Prophet which turns out is some creepy freak sitting in his Parowan basement conversing with the religious cosmos as a self-proclaimed, modern day Nostradamus. Next, he'll start in the movie Conspiracy Theory 2: Where good things happen.

I'm creating a sign tonight and hanging it in my window: "My house. Where I drink wine straight from the bottle and Guinness flows free." Has a nice ring.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Separated at Birth?

The statue of Albert Einstein on the campus of Southern Utah University…

And Ronald McDonald.

Peaceful Warrior

This is the type of vehicle that people drive in Fillmore, Utah. I'm guessing it's pretty standard for many small Utah towns: Panguitch, Delta, what have you... the bumper reads, "Peaceful Warrior," which I find extremely ironic. Note that I also took the picture from inside my car because I was afraid for my life.

"Blow on them"

I was sitting poolside, rocking green toenails. Like on The Big Lebowski. It was awesome.

For other picts I've taken in St. George this weekend, click here. There aren't many, as it's too sunny and warm to stay inside typing right now.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

St. George trip

This is me in Southern Utah, wondering what I should eat.

I had to head to my old stomping ground, St. George this weekend for work-related purposes, and just pulled into town. I want food, but all of my old places are either 1) gone or 2) cheap and gross because that's all I could afford when I was here in college or 3) filled with tourists.

I took my time driving down here because of the high winds, but also stopped to take some photos along the way. I'll post those later provided I can find nourishment beyond that made with hops. (Though, it's not a bad idea.)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ode to Fuzz E. Cat

I don't understand how people have so much time on their hands that they actually sit down to create a Myspace profile for their dog or cat. I barely have time to regularly check one social networking profile (no, I don't have a Myspace anymore. Deleted it over a year ago and have been fine without it) much less check and maintain a fake pet page. I'm not downplaying the love for a girl and her cat-- three years ago my twenty-year-old orange kitty Fuzz met the giant Fancy Feast can in the sky-- but why must people put the virtual world through another pointless waste of bytes?

Is it really necessary to anthropromorphize these supposed best friends and companions with some wholly lameass, bogus rap sheet? Have they been sniffing too much litter box? "Hey guys, my name is Buttons and if you're looking for a good friend to hang with, shoot me an add! I love digging holes after a long day of licking things because I can. My favorite weekend activity is curling up with Salinger, and some day want to meet a hip cat who will Whiska me away."

Maybe I'm missing something, maybe there are thousands of pets out there in the world hooking up on Myspace during the day while we're not supervising our computers at home. But without supervision, would we then have to suddenly be concerned with additional cases of "pet"ophilia?

Just wondering.

I'm also currently on Loritab.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Oh thank heaven... part deux

I joke fairly often about leaving flaming bags of poop on people's porches, ringing the bell and running away. I've never done this, but for some reason I always crack myself up at a visual of a flaming bag of poop. What's funnier than a fart? Poop, because it's like a fart, but solid. What's funnier than poop? Poop on fire. Maybe I have the same sense of humor as a seven-year-old boy, but sometimes it's the little things.

That said, I was a bit disheartened to watch the news and find out that Sandy, Utah police are looking for three men who allegedly put their poop in a 7-11 microwave oven and cooked it. This was the same convenience store location to where I rode my bike with friends on hot summer days for a frosty Slurpee treat. It's not like it was a bad part of town either, it was an extremely well-off community, and now the police are looking for men who bake their dookie there. At my old 7-11. The 7-11 of my youth.

I have to wonder, however, why this store said the microwave suffered $3,500 in damages. I lived at that 7-11 for a long time, buying Garbage Pail Kids, stockpiling Lik-M-Aid like it was going out of style (which I think it has at this point), but never once did the sum total of all the equipment there look like it was worth over three thousand dollars. Maybe it was the money lost when the store had to close for a long period of time to air out?

I guess this goes to show you can put a price on everything. It's $3,500 for a dirty 7-11 microwave. But what is the price for tarnishing fond childhood memories? Now that the summers of my youth at that 7-11 are gone, so also is the pure innocence of the flaming bag of poop.

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
--"Ted" Theodore Logan, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

For another random 7-11 experience I had a few months ago, click here.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I'll believe it when I see it.

Yeah. We're going to go from snow today to 70 degrees on Sunday?

Forgive me if I'm a skeptic.

The sockets continue...

I've been horrible at updates lately, it's the whole teeth thing. But I do have a profound thought: they remove wisdom teeth when people are 18-years-old because they bounce back faster. When you're 32, you don't heal like you used to. Now I'm in pain. And old.

As low high-maintenance as I am, I'm a pretty tough girl. I've danced in performances while dealing with 103-degree fevers. I even once performed three shows with a shattered foot before I could go to the emergency room. I duct-taped it and coped until I could get it fixed, running on adrenaline and will.

Just when I thought things with my mouth were getting better (before getting a root canal tomorrow), I got 30 minutes into kickboxing tonight and the gaping holes in my mouth started aching so badly I threw up. Having thrown up at the gym several times in my life (there was this one time when I thought that drinking a 32-ounce chai before running on the treadmill was a good idea. There was also that one fake bacon incident...), I didn't think anything of it, until I passed out at the grocery store.

In the soda aisle.

Onto the floor.

Thank god nobody saw me. Tonight, I puked and I passed out in public. So, I paid for my Diet Dr. Pepper and toilet paper and came home to crawl into bed with Captain Loritab.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:55- Bret is going to reveal his true feeling. Wow, um, notsodeep.

7:56- AND THE LOSER IS... Destiney!!! Bret realizes she hasn't had the time to fall in love with him. Though he had plenty of time to fall in love with her luscious breasts, and rub up against them while he's hugging her.

7:57- Destiney? Buh-bye. Bret wants to go officially on the record, "I'm not a cryer." He's down to two girls that he cares about deeply, and now they're heading to Cancun.

7:57- And for the last hug, Daisy's breasts nearly spring forth from her dress that I thought was actually lingerie.

7:58- Sooo, guess that's it for this one. Not so thrilled with this episode. Glad this crap ends next week. I should've done my laundry. Don't forget to download your Crazy Daisy wallpaper here.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:48- Just get to the freaking elimination.

7:48- Destiney is looking less slammy without all the bad makeup she's been rocking.

7:49- The suspense is killing me. Even Bret says he doesn't know who he's going to choose.

7:50- Bret just said he loves the way Daisy sings. Now, I thought she was tone deaf, but maybe that's just me.

7:51- OOOOH SNAP! Daisy has another "secret." But really she's just going to throw Destiney under the bus!! Maybe sitting through this whole crap episode has been worth this mini-cat spat. This round: Daisy and Ambre vs. Destiney.

7:52- Daisy just waved her hands like Mr. Mac again. Suddenly, I want to buy a suit.

COMMERCIAL! ANOTHER COMMERCIAL?!? Just when this was getting good? More melty cheese. No thank you.

Live blogging Rock of Love

During commercial break- I have no desire to fall in love with melty cheese. Why do fast food places insist on making commercials that show people with food hanging out of their mouths?

7:37- In Ambre's mind she said she did not lie to Bret. She says she has nothing to hide. She lied about her age. Ambre says she has to "stay young" because of her career. I wonder what she does for a living... candy striper? Manager at the Gap? I'm wondering what kind of a job she has that she needs to be a big, dumb liar.

7:39- Meanwhile back at the house... Bret is just so sincere in thanking everyone for coming. In this moment of sincerity, Destiney's breasts are dangerously close to springing forth from her tank top.

7:42- I'm so over this.

7:42- Oh, so NOW Ambre decides to be honest and spill everything she's thinking to Destiney and Daisy. Destiney just admitted she's not in love with Bret. Ambre professes her undying love for Bret, as does Daisy.

7:43- Daisy is ponderous and questions Destiney's motives. HA! She asks Destiney, "Would you still be here if it was Jon Bon Jovi? Would you still be here if it was John Stamos?" JOHN STAMOS? From what messed up recess did Daisy pull THAT?

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:31- Nice start, Bret's getting Ambre's dad liquored up and teaching him how to use chopsticks. Her dad's going to puke.

7:32- OOOOH SNAP! Bret tells Ambre that she's been so brutally honest, and then calls her on lying on her age. She for some reason can't believe that she lied to Bret. That's it? That's the whole thing? We're cutting to commercial, after all that buildup?

7:33- Commercial break #4 or #3? I don't know, I can't remember. I'm extremely disappointed in this episode. Maybe because I'm paying too much attention to what's going on to blog about it. Maybe it's just the Loritab talking.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:25- Destiney is pretty in the mornings without makeup. She should really skip the Goth thing.

7:27- Bret plans a Harley ride for Destiney and her family. Okay, that's pretty cool, her dad was stoke.

7:28- OOOOH SNAP. Destiney's dream of "getting a tattoo" is going to come true. She's actually going to get the Rock of Love logo?!? On her neck!?!

7:30- So, Destiney has a neck tattoo. The heart with two swords from the Rock of Love logo... um, yeah. Well, her dad has a forehead tattoo, so I guess the apple doesn't fall far...

7:31- Time for Ambre's date... now we'll get to the bottom of her "real" age.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:18- Daisy's backpedaling while trying to further explain that she's not having sex with her "ex-boyfriend," err, "roommate."

7:20- Is it really surprising that Bret is having a moral dilemma in trying to figure out Daisy? Really? Because I thought that as soon as she discovered the cure for cancer, she was going to help clothe impoverished nations.

7:21- Preview of Destiney getting a Heather-esque tattoo.

7:22- Commercial break #2- Here are my thoughts after a discussion last night with Urban Princess: As much as I want to watch the trainwreck that is Daisy, I hope she gets booted off the show and then next season she gets her own show so we can watch her try to pick her own special love from a crowd of what I'm sure will be premium men.

Live blogging Rock of Love

Commercial break #1: I just sucked cold Diet Dr. Pepper into my dry socket hole and I think I'm going to pass out.

7:14- Back to the show. The "level playing field" continues with the girls eating chicken and joking about "breasts." Will their witty banter ever end?

7:15- While sitting around watching one of Bret's "home videos" of a Poison concert, Destiney starts dancing like a groupie. Bret's now all of the sudden worried that she's not going to love him off the state. Heartwarming.

7:16- Destiney is a crazy girl. Seriously, and I'm afraid one of her boobs is going to pop out in front of her cancer-ridden dad.

7:17- When they cut to Daisy's single-shot commentary, she talks with her hands like she's Mr. Mac selling a two-pants suit. I want to see if she can still talk if her hands are strapped down. Or her breasts.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:09- Destiny's dad admits he has liver caner and only has six months to live. While I feel bad, it doesn't make me like Destiny any more than I have this whole sodding series.

7:10- Wow, profound. "All playing fields are leveled with a good bar-b-que."

7:10- OH SNAP. Ambre's dad says that she's "37," cut to scene where she tells Bret she's "32." He's now wondering "what the hell else Ambre is lying about." I believe in another exchange with Heather, Ambre told her she's "31."

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:04- Bret walks out, and I didn't recognize him without his bandana. He's got nothing on his head. I'm freaked out by this, and thought it was actually Ellen Degeneres with longer, flowing blonde locks.

7:05- Big shocker! Daisy admits she's from a broken home.

7:05- I felt bad for Daisy until a shot of her walking revealed her thong underwear sticking out of her jeans.

7:06- Destiney's dad has a head tattoo.

7:07- Daisy continues to spiral down the emotional toilet. It's a little awkward that her "ex-boyfriend's" older sister is there representing her "family." The devolution continues.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:01- Daisy says she doesn't know what Bret's looking for. Is it really that hard to figure out?

7:02- Destiney can't believe she's still there. We can't either. She's crazy.

7:02- Daisy doesn't want to help clean the house and "be a cleaning lady." Which I find ironic.

7:03- Montage of girls cleaning the house. The doorbell rings and it's Ambre's dad. He's a little older than I thought, of course, we find out tonight that Ambre is, in fact, 37 and not 31.

Live blogging Rock of Love

After sneezing out my dry socket packing at the grocery store this afternoon, I have no choice but to stay down again, take a Loritab again, and again, watch Rock of Love.

And try to live blog it.

I've got my Tostitos chips and cheese and I'm ready to go.

Rock of Daisy

Daisy's got that sort of "hooker with a heart of gold" thing going on-- a hot tranny trainwreck you you just love to hate. When Rock of Love 2 began, I wanted nothing more than to bury Daisy in a hole in the desert. Now, I can't get enough of the little slam pig.

As Urban Princess said last night, "It's great to see the devolution of Daisy when you watch a whole marathon of Rock of Love." And it really really is.

Today's art project? Desktop wallpaper of Crazy Daisy herself! Throw it on your monitor and each day when you gaze upon her nasty neck tattoo, be inspired that you're you, and not her. Download it now by clicking here.

Disclaimer: The images used Daisy's wallpaper are from a combination of images pulled from the Rock of Love Web site. They belong to those folks, and not to me. So support it by watching Rock of Love on VH1 and stuff. I guess this disclaimer isn't as official as I'd hoped.

Monday, March 31, 2008

He did what?

In my plight to curb the absolute sickness and boredom I've had while doing the tooth recovery, I ran across this news story that made me glad I'm not a reporter in Ohio. Perhaps the police officer who was interviewed for the story puts it best when he says, "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around." Yes, yes it does.

Are You Ready?

Today in my junk inbox I got an email with the subject line reading, "Are You Ready?" Thinking this could be the email that finally enlarges my penis, I clicked on it, but read something that nearly brought wetness to my wisdom tooth dry socket. It told me of the following information:

Aargh... the update

Two words: Dry socket.

I thought I'd feel so much better by now, but between an allergic reaction to penicillin over the weekend and a dry socket today, I'm just about over this whole wisdom tooth debacle.

Please send pudding, french fries and, at this point, tequila en masse.

Friday, March 28, 2008

I survived

The whole wisdom tooth thing wasn't so bad considering the build-up I had created in my head before getting hooked up to the IV and taking a quick nap through Extraction Town yesterday afternoon. I lived. And while I don't feel completely normal today, I survived.

So far today, I've watched some very interesting programming on The History Channel, American Eats, a series devoted to the historical affects of food on American pop culture. That, coupled with a couple of spoonfuls of Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide ice cream (darn, can't eat much else besides that and a pudding pack today) got me thinking about Ben and Jerry's discontinued "flavor graveyard" and all the yummy ice creams they no longer make. (I just viewed the online flavor graveyard, but apparently if you go to Vermont, there's an actual flavor graveyard complete with headstones like the one shown above, that I found depicted on this guy's flickr site here.)

Here are the top five flavors I believe Ben and Jerry are stupid for discontinuing:

5.) Blueberry Ice Cream- Blueberry flavored foods (other than blueberries) aren't for everyone. I however, choose blueberry first and always loved this flavor. I first tried Ben and Jerry's blueberry when I found a scoop shop near Vista, California. Maybe it wasn't the flavor that was so great, but the experience.

4.) White Russian- Ice cream good enough for Lebowski, I also liked to top this ice cream with a little bit of Monopolowa Vodka, which is a more syrupy topping and works better on ice cream than Skyy Vodka. I figure if the ice cream is sitting in the freezer next to the vodka, I might as well kill two birds with one stone. Nothing wrong with a little vodka sundae, but no other flavor works as well as Ben and Jerry's White Russian did.

3.) Tennessee Mud- Continuing on the trend to boozy ice cream, this flavor blended Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey into the frozen treat. I don't recall ever seeing it in stores, especially since it didn't even make it to the 1990s, but I tried freezerburned spoonful with a friend who hoarded several pints in his freezer. Strange, I know, but who am I to look down on saving up specialty foods when I used to hoard cases of Boo Berry cereal in my pantry?

2.) Pistachio, Pistachio- This flavor isn't officially dead and buried, but it might as well be gone away from us because it's so damn difficult to find. Occasionally, I'll find it at the Ben and Jerry's store at the Gateway, but I am morally opposed to buying ice cream by the scoop and cone. I think the cone is a waste, and the pint is so much more satisfying when it's two o'clock in the morning and I'm up watching Hope Floats, Practical Magick or some equally-irritating chick flick starring Sandra Bullock.

1.) Bovinity Divinity- Possibly the most wonderful thing I've ever had in my mouth. I'm not a fan of chocolate, but the combination of swirled chocolate and vanilla ice cream mixed with cute little white and dark chocolate cows was positively, well, divine! I can't believe they quit making this flavor, although in hindsight it's better for my ass that they did. (Get it? "hind"sight? Yeah.)

Fortunately, Ben and Jerry have a form on their site where you can try to get your favorite flavor resurrected. I told them that by bringing back Bovinity Divinity, they could make me feel whole again.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dead Woman Walking

Tomorrow I go under the knife. Okay, that's a little dramatic, I'm just getting my four wisdom teeth out.

Tomorrow I go under the pliers. 

I'm actually extremely freaked out about it, and though I've kind of been joking all week, "If I die on Thursday you can have my handbags..." I'd almost rather die than have to deal with anesthetic. And needles. And pain. 

All day I've been living life to the fullest and acting like if I were to die while "under" tomorrow, then at least I wouldn't have deprived myself of enjoyment today. I drank all the Diet Dr. Pepper I wanted at a meeting this afternoon. I shamelessly flirted with attractive men. I ate part of a mint brownie. (Hey, for me that's living on the edge.) This was to avoid feeling sorry for myself because I don't have a boyfriend to stroke my hair as I drool and spit up blood all over myself tomorrow during post-wisdom tooth yankage. I remember a friend of mine once told me that he knew his girlfriend loved him when she sat with him all bloody and groggy and gross when he had his wisdom teeth taken out. She's his wife now. They have a house, and a kid, and two dogs. I will have four bloody gauze wads, the possibility of dry sockets and my mom to look forward to. 

Tonight I endured a Zumba class at my gym, all the while joking to myself, "This might be the last time I work out." I didn't want anything to ruin my "last" class, least of all this extremely irritating and uncoordinated man who walked in late and stood behind me. At first I thought he wanted to stare at my beautiful and gyrating ass for an hour, but in reality his purpose on earth was to make my last workout before I die a living, breathing nightmare.

At various times throughout the workout he would shout out "HUH!" in time with the music. Sometimes not in time with the music: "HUH! HUH! HUH!" Right into my ear. Loudly in my ear. Sometimes directly behind my head. "HUH! HUH!" At one point, we kicked our right leg and I got a "HUH!" so startling I nearly landed on my beautiful and gyrating ass. As much as I appreciated his spirit and enthusiasm, I also wanted my hearing if I ended up living tomorrow. I thought, "How DARE this chicken-legged jerk ruin my last night on earth?" "HUH! HUH! HUH!" So I very nicely asked him, "If you're going to shout out, could you not do it right into my ear?" (And I actually was very nice about it; I even flashed him a smile and a little half-wink.) Then the asshat says, "You know, part of these classes is to go deaf enjoying the music. HUUUUUH!!" 

Then it was on.  I was going to die tomorrow and I would not let this guy get in the last word. "Uuuh, yeah, but last time I checked I didn't have to enjoy the music through an uncoordinated speaker blaring a foot behind my head." The statement just came out of me without thinking but, damnit, if I was going to leave this mortal coil in just fifteen short hours, I was going to leave it sassy. "SO HUH!"

The guy shut up because he left. My only regret was that I didn't so it earlier in the hour. On the upshot, at least I was able to enjoy in peace my last cool-down on earth.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Dangerously close

Today I got my hair done. Blonde. Very blonde. In fact, dangerously close to my natural hair color. In this photo I look a cross between a fembot and Blow-up Wanda.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Molecular gastronomy day

Kitchens never cease to amaze me. Maybe it's because I suck in the kitchen, but I am fascinated with cooking shows. I watch the Food Network, get inspired and really believe I am the next Julia Child. When it comes down to it, though, I end up eating fat-free Triscuits and Laughing Cow lite cheese for dinner. (But, add a glass of wine to that and it's actually very French!)

Ever since Marcel (a.k.a Spike, from Gremlins) was on Bravo's Top Chef, I have been aware of molecular gastronomy. The best way I can explain it is that you take regular foods, sauces and the like, and then create various chemical reactions to get foams and crazy juices. 

I maintain I could get foams and crazy juices in food without either 1) attending culinary school or 2) trying, but that's just my amazing kitchen prowess. For instance, yesterday I caught another burner on fire with a Pasta Roni boilover, therefore, I created effortless foam.

Today on Good Eats, Alton Brown made souffle, all the while explaining the chemical reactions that must occur in order for optimum finished food fluff. (I came up with that alliteration, not Alton, but he's welcome to it for a consulting fee.) I figured I could give it a whirl, after all, how hard could it be to bake puffy eggs?

I kept trying to whip egg whites and it just wasn't working. When I finally got a few of them to sort of form stiff peaks (which always makes me laugh when I say "stiff peaks"), I thought that would work. "Nay," said the little chef; a dozen eggs later, I had a gooey egg mess that had partially solidified to only one side of the baking dish. Damn you molecular gastronomy, this is why I shun the sciences. Chemistry is not my friend and eggs are dirty bitches.

I went to the gym, I went to the grocery store and despite my best efforts earlier this evening, I ate fat-free Triscuits and Laughing Cow lite cheese for dinner. Merde totale.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It IS Funny

I had on good authority that this skit was "one of the funniest on SNL in a very long time." It's true, and since it has to do with Rock of Love 2, it was even better.