Monday, April 28, 2008

Stimulate my Economics... please

The government started giving back a little love today, in the form of some random money that should mysteriously show up in our bank accounts and mailboxes— sometime. I'm guessing that since I filed my 2007 taxes online, it should show up in my bank account sometime in the next two weeks. But do I save it or spend it?

According to a news story tonight, "The White House hopes Americans will spend the money and boost the economy." I'm all for spending money, and am quite good at it, but what if I just tucked it away and forgot about it? What if I actually, perish the thought, saved? Still, I did see this dress the other night that, literally, whispered out my name. I'll never wear this dress, mind you, but I must own it. Save Schmave.

For those as clueless as I feel about all this stuff lately, here's a schedule of when you can count on your minor ducats gracing your presence:

Direct Deposit: Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate should be deposited by:
00-20: May 2
21-75: May 9
76-99: May 16

By Mail: Depending on the last two numbers of your Social Security Number, your rebate check should be mailed by:
00-09: May 16
10-18: May 23
19-25: May 30
26-38: June 6
39-51: June 13
52-63: June 20
64-75: June 27
76-87: July 4
88-99: July 11

For the next two weeks, I'll anxiously check my online banking on an hourly basis. It's like Christmas, except better because there's no extended family and it's not cold. While I'm not sure exactly how much I'll get back, and if I count on the maximum of $600, my luck lately says I should get roughly $3. With that, I could buy a Diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of Red Vines.

What are you gonna' get?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Greetings from…

While driving back to Salt Lake from St. George today, I started paying attention to, remembering and pondering those crazy little slogans that are on signs whenever you drive past a small town. I don't quite know why these signs are necessary. It's not like I'm going to be driving somewhere and think, "Woah! There's a city that boasts the world's largest chunk of cheese! Better pull over!"

To my knowledge, we don't have a sign like that when driving into Salt Lake City. Unless you count the sign just past the airport that reads, "Welcome to Salt Lake City, home of the 2002 Winter Olympics." I don't think that's the same thing, that's just holding onto the past.

With that, I bring to you some of my favorite city signs while driving the stretch of I-15 from Salt Lake City to St. George, Utah:

My very favorite: "Iron County— Saluting the Triple Deuce!" A single deuce deserves acknowledgement. A double deuce merits applause. You salute the triple deuce.

1.) "Welcome to Cedar City! 'Festival City, U.S.A.'" If I were seeking out a festival, I wouldn't think of Cedar City. Sure, the Shakespearean Festival is extremely big and important for the economy there, they even won a Tony Award. Sure, that was years ago. And it was a regional Tony Award. So it's not really a Tony Award. Move on and cut the cord, Cedar City, it's not like you hosted the 2002 Winter Olympics.

2.) "Beaver City— Mountains of fun! Best drinking water in the U.S.A." I always snicker a bit when I travel through Beaver, and now that I know it's "Mountains of Fun," that snicker is more a snort. Not as much as a snort as when Beaver's sign slogan was "Live a little!" Because well... I don't want to be living at all in Beaver. Guys I've driven with believe differently. It's this whole drinking water thing that gets me, I just read Forbes "Best Drinking Water in the U.S." list that came out earlier this month, and Beaver was no where to be found on that list. The list mentions San Diego, Calif., Jackson, Miss., and Mobile, Ala., have the lowest levels of lead, Tucson, Ariz., and Billings, Mont., have the lowest levels of turbidity (because I hate it whenever I'm feeling turbid) and Beaver, Utah doesn't rear its head, err, tail. Turns out that in 2006 the National Rural Water Association awarded Beaver the title of "Best Drinking Water in the Nation." That's no Forbes Magazine! That's rural Skeeter taking gulps from the pond! And what's the water like now? Perhaps now, two years later, Beaver water is leaded and turbid, but still "Mountains of fun!"

3.) "You're in Sandy City— The 34th Safest City in America." Okay, come on Sandy City, 34th? What kind of a number is 34? If you were one of the top 10, maybe, certainly one of the top 5 then I could understand the benefits of that. But 34? Now you're stretching. For some reason this reminded me of this scene in Clerks:
Dante: This is different, this is important. How many? Well?
Veronica: Something like… 36.
Dante: What? Something like 36?
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway? Something like 36? Does that include me?
Veronica: Uh, 37.
Dante: I'm 37?

4.) "Parowan City— Where good things happen." I've been to Parowan twice in my life. Neither time did "good things happen." Ever. I've had "good things happen" in Plano, Texas, I've even had "good things happen" in Wilmington, Delaware. When I think of "good things happening," they're not happening in Parowan. Weird things happen in Parowan, I am convinced, as I passed another billboard emblazoned with an exploding mushroom cloud with the headline reading, "What do you do when disaster strikes?" Underneath it was a URL for Parowan Prophet which turns out is some creepy freak sitting in his Parowan basement conversing with the religious cosmos as a self-proclaimed, modern day Nostradamus. Next, he'll start in the movie Conspiracy Theory 2: Where good things happen.

I'm creating a sign tonight and hanging it in my window: "My house. Where I drink wine straight from the bottle and Guinness flows free." Has a nice ring.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Separated at Birth?

The statue of Albert Einstein on the campus of Southern Utah University…

And Ronald McDonald.

Peaceful Warrior

This is the type of vehicle that people drive in Fillmore, Utah. I'm guessing it's pretty standard for many small Utah towns: Panguitch, Delta, what have you... the bumper reads, "Peaceful Warrior," which I find extremely ironic. Note that I also took the picture from inside my car because I was afraid for my life.

"Blow on them"

I was sitting poolside, rocking green toenails. Like on The Big Lebowski. It was awesome.

For other picts I've taken in St. George this weekend, click here. There aren't many, as it's too sunny and warm to stay inside typing right now.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

St. George trip

This is me in Southern Utah, wondering what I should eat.

I had to head to my old stomping ground, St. George this weekend for work-related purposes, and just pulled into town. I want food, but all of my old places are either 1) gone or 2) cheap and gross because that's all I could afford when I was here in college or 3) filled with tourists.

I took my time driving down here because of the high winds, but also stopped to take some photos along the way. I'll post those later provided I can find nourishment beyond that made with hops. (Though, it's not a bad idea.)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ode to Fuzz E. Cat

I don't understand how people have so much time on their hands that they actually sit down to create a Myspace profile for their dog or cat. I barely have time to regularly check one social networking profile (no, I don't have a Myspace anymore. Deleted it over a year ago and have been fine without it) much less check and maintain a fake pet page. I'm not downplaying the love for a girl and her cat-- three years ago my twenty-year-old orange kitty Fuzz met the giant Fancy Feast can in the sky-- but why must people put the virtual world through another pointless waste of bytes?

Is it really necessary to anthropromorphize these supposed best friends and companions with some wholly lameass, bogus rap sheet? Have they been sniffing too much litter box? "Hey guys, my name is Buttons and if you're looking for a good friend to hang with, shoot me an add! I love digging holes after a long day of licking things because I can. My favorite weekend activity is curling up with Salinger, and some day want to meet a hip cat who will Whiska me away."

Maybe I'm missing something, maybe there are thousands of pets out there in the world hooking up on Myspace during the day while we're not supervising our computers at home. But without supervision, would we then have to suddenly be concerned with additional cases of "pet"ophilia?

Just wondering.

I'm also currently on Loritab.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Oh thank heaven... part deux

I joke fairly often about leaving flaming bags of poop on people's porches, ringing the bell and running away. I've never done this, but for some reason I always crack myself up at a visual of a flaming bag of poop. What's funnier than a fart? Poop, because it's like a fart, but solid. What's funnier than poop? Poop on fire. Maybe I have the same sense of humor as a seven-year-old boy, but sometimes it's the little things.

That said, I was a bit disheartened to watch the news and find out that Sandy, Utah police are looking for three men who allegedly put their poop in a 7-11 microwave oven and cooked it. This was the same convenience store location to where I rode my bike with friends on hot summer days for a frosty Slurpee treat. It's not like it was a bad part of town either, it was an extremely well-off community, and now the police are looking for men who bake their dookie there. At my old 7-11. The 7-11 of my youth.

I have to wonder, however, why this store said the microwave suffered $3,500 in damages. I lived at that 7-11 for a long time, buying Garbage Pail Kids, stockpiling Lik-M-Aid like it was going out of style (which I think it has at this point), but never once did the sum total of all the equipment there look like it was worth over three thousand dollars. Maybe it was the money lost when the store had to close for a long period of time to air out?

I guess this goes to show you can put a price on everything. It's $3,500 for a dirty 7-11 microwave. But what is the price for tarnishing fond childhood memories? Now that the summers of my youth at that 7-11 are gone, so also is the pure innocence of the flaming bag of poop.

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."
--"Ted" Theodore Logan, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

For another random 7-11 experience I had a few months ago, click here.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I'll believe it when I see it.

Yeah. We're going to go from snow today to 70 degrees on Sunday?

Forgive me if I'm a skeptic.

The sockets continue...

I've been horrible at updates lately, it's the whole teeth thing. But I do have a profound thought: they remove wisdom teeth when people are 18-years-old because they bounce back faster. When you're 32, you don't heal like you used to. Now I'm in pain. And old.

As low high-maintenance as I am, I'm a pretty tough girl. I've danced in performances while dealing with 103-degree fevers. I even once performed three shows with a shattered foot before I could go to the emergency room. I duct-taped it and coped until I could get it fixed, running on adrenaline and will.

Just when I thought things with my mouth were getting better (before getting a root canal tomorrow), I got 30 minutes into kickboxing tonight and the gaping holes in my mouth started aching so badly I threw up. Having thrown up at the gym several times in my life (there was this one time when I thought that drinking a 32-ounce chai before running on the treadmill was a good idea. There was also that one fake bacon incident...), I didn't think anything of it, until I passed out at the grocery store.

In the soda aisle.

Onto the floor.

Thank god nobody saw me. Tonight, I puked and I passed out in public. So, I paid for my Diet Dr. Pepper and toilet paper and came home to crawl into bed with Captain Loritab.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:55- Bret is going to reveal his true feeling. Wow, um, notsodeep.

7:56- AND THE LOSER IS... Destiney!!! Bret realizes she hasn't had the time to fall in love with him. Though he had plenty of time to fall in love with her luscious breasts, and rub up against them while he's hugging her.

7:57- Destiney? Buh-bye. Bret wants to go officially on the record, "I'm not a cryer." He's down to two girls that he cares about deeply, and now they're heading to Cancun.

7:57- And for the last hug, Daisy's breasts nearly spring forth from her dress that I thought was actually lingerie.

7:58- Sooo, guess that's it for this one. Not so thrilled with this episode. Glad this crap ends next week. I should've done my laundry. Don't forget to download your Crazy Daisy wallpaper here.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:48- Just get to the freaking elimination.

7:48- Destiney is looking less slammy without all the bad makeup she's been rocking.

7:49- The suspense is killing me. Even Bret says he doesn't know who he's going to choose.

7:50- Bret just said he loves the way Daisy sings. Now, I thought she was tone deaf, but maybe that's just me.

7:51- OOOOH SNAP! Daisy has another "secret." But really she's just going to throw Destiney under the bus!! Maybe sitting through this whole crap episode has been worth this mini-cat spat. This round: Daisy and Ambre vs. Destiney.

7:52- Daisy just waved her hands like Mr. Mac again. Suddenly, I want to buy a suit.

COMMERCIAL! ANOTHER COMMERCIAL?!? Just when this was getting good? More melty cheese. No thank you.

Live blogging Rock of Love

During commercial break- I have no desire to fall in love with melty cheese. Why do fast food places insist on making commercials that show people with food hanging out of their mouths?

7:37- In Ambre's mind she said she did not lie to Bret. She says she has nothing to hide. She lied about her age. Ambre says she has to "stay young" because of her career. I wonder what she does for a living... candy striper? Manager at the Gap? I'm wondering what kind of a job she has that she needs to be a big, dumb liar.

7:39- Meanwhile back at the house... Bret is just so sincere in thanking everyone for coming. In this moment of sincerity, Destiney's breasts are dangerously close to springing forth from her tank top.

7:42- I'm so over this.

7:42- Oh, so NOW Ambre decides to be honest and spill everything she's thinking to Destiney and Daisy. Destiney just admitted she's not in love with Bret. Ambre professes her undying love for Bret, as does Daisy.

7:43- Daisy is ponderous and questions Destiney's motives. HA! She asks Destiney, "Would you still be here if it was Jon Bon Jovi? Would you still be here if it was John Stamos?" JOHN STAMOS? From what messed up recess did Daisy pull THAT?

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:31- Nice start, Bret's getting Ambre's dad liquored up and teaching him how to use chopsticks. Her dad's going to puke.

7:32- OOOOH SNAP! Bret tells Ambre that she's been so brutally honest, and then calls her on lying on her age. She for some reason can't believe that she lied to Bret. That's it? That's the whole thing? We're cutting to commercial, after all that buildup?

7:33- Commercial break #4 or #3? I don't know, I can't remember. I'm extremely disappointed in this episode. Maybe because I'm paying too much attention to what's going on to blog about it. Maybe it's just the Loritab talking.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:25- Destiney is pretty in the mornings without makeup. She should really skip the Goth thing.

7:27- Bret plans a Harley ride for Destiney and her family. Okay, that's pretty cool, her dad was stoke.

7:28- OOOOH SNAP. Destiney's dream of "getting a tattoo" is going to come true. She's actually going to get the Rock of Love logo?!? On her neck!?!

7:30- So, Destiney has a neck tattoo. The heart with two swords from the Rock of Love logo... um, yeah. Well, her dad has a forehead tattoo, so I guess the apple doesn't fall far...

7:31- Time for Ambre's date... now we'll get to the bottom of her "real" age.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:18- Daisy's backpedaling while trying to further explain that she's not having sex with her "ex-boyfriend," err, "roommate."

7:20- Is it really surprising that Bret is having a moral dilemma in trying to figure out Daisy? Really? Because I thought that as soon as she discovered the cure for cancer, she was going to help clothe impoverished nations.

7:21- Preview of Destiney getting a Heather-esque tattoo.

7:22- Commercial break #2- Here are my thoughts after a discussion last night with Urban Princess: As much as I want to watch the trainwreck that is Daisy, I hope she gets booted off the show and then next season she gets her own show so we can watch her try to pick her own special love from a crowd of what I'm sure will be premium men.

Live blogging Rock of Love

Commercial break #1: I just sucked cold Diet Dr. Pepper into my dry socket hole and I think I'm going to pass out.

7:14- Back to the show. The "level playing field" continues with the girls eating chicken and joking about "breasts." Will their witty banter ever end?

7:15- While sitting around watching one of Bret's "home videos" of a Poison concert, Destiney starts dancing like a groupie. Bret's now all of the sudden worried that she's not going to love him off the state. Heartwarming.

7:16- Destiney is a crazy girl. Seriously, and I'm afraid one of her boobs is going to pop out in front of her cancer-ridden dad.

7:17- When they cut to Daisy's single-shot commentary, she talks with her hands like she's Mr. Mac selling a two-pants suit. I want to see if she can still talk if her hands are strapped down. Or her breasts.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:09- Destiny's dad admits he has liver caner and only has six months to live. While I feel bad, it doesn't make me like Destiny any more than I have this whole sodding series.

7:10- Wow, profound. "All playing fields are leveled with a good bar-b-que."

7:10- OH SNAP. Ambre's dad says that she's "37," cut to scene where she tells Bret she's "32." He's now wondering "what the hell else Ambre is lying about." I believe in another exchange with Heather, Ambre told her she's "31."

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:04- Bret walks out, and I didn't recognize him without his bandana. He's got nothing on his head. I'm freaked out by this, and thought it was actually Ellen Degeneres with longer, flowing blonde locks.

7:05- Big shocker! Daisy admits she's from a broken home.

7:05- I felt bad for Daisy until a shot of her walking revealed her thong underwear sticking out of her jeans.

7:06- Destiney's dad has a head tattoo.

7:07- Daisy continues to spiral down the emotional toilet. It's a little awkward that her "ex-boyfriend's" older sister is there representing her "family." The devolution continues.

Live blogging Rock of Love

7:01- Daisy says she doesn't know what Bret's looking for. Is it really that hard to figure out?

7:02- Destiney can't believe she's still there. We can't either. She's crazy.

7:02- Daisy doesn't want to help clean the house and "be a cleaning lady." Which I find ironic.

7:03- Montage of girls cleaning the house. The doorbell rings and it's Ambre's dad. He's a little older than I thought, of course, we find out tonight that Ambre is, in fact, 37 and not 31.

Live blogging Rock of Love

After sneezing out my dry socket packing at the grocery store this afternoon, I have no choice but to stay down again, take a Loritab again, and again, watch Rock of Love.

And try to live blog it.

I've got my Tostitos chips and cheese and I'm ready to go.

Rock of Daisy

Daisy's got that sort of "hooker with a heart of gold" thing going on-- a hot tranny trainwreck you you just love to hate. When Rock of Love 2 began, I wanted nothing more than to bury Daisy in a hole in the desert. Now, I can't get enough of the little slam pig.

As Urban Princess said last night, "It's great to see the devolution of Daisy when you watch a whole marathon of Rock of Love." And it really really is.

Today's art project? Desktop wallpaper of Crazy Daisy herself! Throw it on your monitor and each day when you gaze upon her nasty neck tattoo, be inspired that you're you, and not her. Download it now by clicking here.

Disclaimer: The images used Daisy's wallpaper are from a combination of images pulled from the Rock of Love Web site. They belong to those folks, and not to me. So support it by watching Rock of Love on VH1 and stuff. I guess this disclaimer isn't as official as I'd hoped.