Thursday, January 31, 2008

It's always the quiet ones...

Today's lesson? Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Be it a trendy new drink or, say, trying to force a connection with a person. After all, you know what they say paves the road to Hell.

Take this phone conversation I had a couple of months ago (which means enough time has passed that my personal statute of blogability feels it's time to post this outrageous dialogue). Mind you, this was with someone whom I had known for roughly three weeks prior to what you are about to read, and we hung out maybe four times-- two of which were with a group of at least ten people. Without further adieu:

Him: Are you spiritual?

Me: Ummm, notsomuch. Never have been. In fact, even less so that I wasn't previously.

Him: What about guardian angels?

Me: (For dinner? Simply tasty with a nice vinaigrette!) Ummmmmmmm, nope. Come to think of it, if guardian angels actually do exist, I feel some have been seriously slacking since really bad stuff happens to really good people.

Him: I don't go to church. but I'm spiritual...

Me: (slightly irritated sigh) Umhum...

Him: ...I say prayers and stuff every night...

Me: (slightly more irritated sigh) Ummmmhuumm...

Him: last night. I was laying in bed and had a conversation with your father.

Me: (Extreme irritation with a four-alarm red flags coupled with neck hairs standing on end and dancing jigs to a bad music remake from Kids Incorporated) I've got to go now.

Let's be honest. Nobody has been able to have a conversation with Dadoo for a little over a year now. If he was going to converse with anyone at this point, that would take an act much creepier than I'd like to know. In fact, I found this guy's bedtime conversation with my dead relatives to be extremely messed up and presumptuous. Did I mention I had known this guy for less than a month and had only hung out four times?

A friend of mine had a great comment to the above conversation. 
"In the past I used to wait until at LEAST the fifth date before channeling my girlfriend's relatives and then casually bringing it up to her in conversation. I saw that on Loveline once. And if anyone knows relationship advice, it's Dr. Drew."

Good point, and I'll take it one step further. Like new Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper, just because it sounds like a good idea to reveal something strange, doesn't necessarily mean you should. (Incidentally, new Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper is not worth the money spent for the novelty of drinking a "Limited Edition" soda. Save some money and drink toilet cleaner instead.)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Who Knew?

On Friday night, Urban Princess and I went out to get a drink and ran into too many people visiting Salt Lake for the outdoor retailers' convention; we assumed that anybody with too much polar fleece on qualified for this convention. After sitting there for a drink, we were visited by two people in town for said convention.

After listening to tales of outdoor adventures from these two (which was a totally foreign concept to us), we needed an intervention and I grabbed two guys from the bar to rescue us. They were funny, and after awhile (and after the two original guys wouldn't get the hint and leave us alone) we decided to head to another bar. Things were going well and we were having fun just hanging out, when the night went terribly awry.

We noticed three women entering the bar, and after a minute one came over and introduced herself to us. Strange. Very strange. She then asked one of the guys we were with if she could see his key ring, stating she, "put her mailbox key there." She pretended to take something off of the keys, when all of the sudden, she lunges across the table, punches the guy, throws the keys in his face, throws a beer glass at me, and storms off in a blaze of rage. For real, the attack happened in about ten seconds, the weirdest ten seconds I'd seen in a long time.

We were all bewildered by the behavior and I turned to the guy and said, "I take it you know her?" 

When he left the table a minute later, we decided we'd better call it a night because in a flash our good time took on a horrible haze. Another girl in the crazy girl's group began interrogating us as to why we were there with "her guys" and after all reasoning was lost, we finally left. Funny, that when we went outside the two guys were seen cowering, trying to blend into the side of the building to avoid us at all costs.

How quickly things change, how quickly a night can go from innocent to nuts, how the sound of a shattering beer glass can quiet a whole bar. 

Then as we walked back down the street, I turned to Urban Princess and said, "I hate being single."

Weekend update

Granted, the headline is plagiarizing Saturday Night Live just a little bit, but stay tuned, the update from this weekend is quite a pageturner. Tonight, I will take the time to sit down and recount to you all the glorious turn of events that came our way when Urban Princess and I went out for drinks on Friday.

It was quite something to remember.

In other news, I want to leave you all this afternoon with some hearty words of advice: If you are going at the gym for two hours and getting all sweaty, avoid using the bathroom and subsequent usage of a paper toilet seat cover (because your legs are too sore to "hover). You will realize when you're home and in the shower that chunks of paper toilet seat cover turn to glue on your ass when extremely wet.

And I leave you with that for now.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Finally, something to look forward to. From

New Kids On The Block Stage Comeback

After months of speculation and rumor, the Kids are coming back. A well-placed source tells PEOPLE exclusively that New Kids On The Block are indeed getting back together.

It's about damn time... after scouring the South side of Boston last October in hopes of glimpsing Jonathan Knight, it's possible he will be on tour. Apparently his social-phobia is in hibernation and we're reaping the benefits!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Quick observation

Because of several work commitments both yesterday and today, I wasn't able to properly comment on the untimely passing of Heath Ledger. While I never really disliked the actor, he wasn't one of my favorites. I feel he always looked dirty, like he went several weeks in between showering and that he generally didn't smell very good. 

Not that there's anything wrong with that. However, if Heath suffered from depression which led to his alleged drug overdose, I have read studies stating those symptoms could've been lightened by a simple shower once or twice a day. From a site called Holistic Online, which isn't the best URL because it took me awhile to realize it was actually Holistic Online dot com and not Ho List Icon Line dot com, I found the following:

Take a Stimulating Shower: Start showering with warm water, gradually making it hotter. Then decrease the temperature as low as you can stand it. Cold water stimulates the nerves close to the surface of the skin and is rejuvenating. Do not do this if you have a serious illness or are pregnant, premenstrual, or menstruating.

Maybe Heath Ledger had a serious illness or was pregnant, premenstrual or menstruating and couldn't practice this anti-depression technique.

Faith in television...

Since the writer's strike has made television completely abysmal this season, I am beginning to wonder if there will ever be anything other than reality tv ever again. Not to say I don't love reality shows, because I am a reality junkie, but I do look forward to regular episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Gossip Girl. Just when I thought I'd lost faith in non-reality television, I noticed a trailer for a new show called Eli Stone featuring, ironically, George Michael singing the song "Faith" in the premiere episode.

According to, Eli Stone is a quirky little dramady about an attorney (played by Jonny Lee Miller, one of the alive loves of my life. Not to be confused with the dead loves of my life list which includes Gene Kelly, Andy Warhol, Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart) who turns out to be a prophet. To paraphrase the description on the Web site, apparently Eli has hallucinations and visions and ultimately is torn between being a lawyer and saving humanity. In the end, we learn a brain aneurysm is causing Eli's visions and he is further torn between his head and his heart; caught between two ends of a moral spectrum between spiritualism and logic. 

This looks like a pretty good show, and maybe I've been watching a few too many old episodes of Ally McBeal, but it appears Eli Stone is borrowing a lot from the quirky 90s hit. First off, the title is the name of the lead character. Second, the hallucinations and visions seen through music reek of Ally's hallucinations (can we say dancing baby?), also the use of music as a driving force in ones' mind was a tactic used weekly in Ally McBeal. Third, in both shows we see a fairly eccentric, yet unbelievably hip and good-looking attorney as they fumble through each trying to find a balance between fighting the "lawyer as a shark" stereotype and inspiring people to "do the right thing."

I hope I haven't put too high an expectation on Eli Stone, as I will always be a die-hard Ally McBeal fan, but I'm looking forward to the premiere on January 31. Since Grey's Anatomy has been a complete let down this season (even before the writer's strike), maybe this new show will give me the Thursday night fix I so richly crave. I am also looking forward to watching Jonny Lee Miller watching George Michael singing in the living room:

Sunday, January 20, 2008

You're Killing Me!

Unless you've spent the weekend inside a refrigerator box, you're probably aware that Lindsay Lohan will be spending a little time working in the LA County morgue to use up some of that nasty public service time she got sentenced with her drunk driving arrest. Upon learning this (from a crawler at the bottom of the screen when I was drowning my sorrows in a Girls Next Door marathon on E!) I actually audibly laughed, then wondered, "What will Lindsay do in the morgue? Seriously?"

I envisioned Lindsay putting makeup on the cadavers, accessorizing outfits for the newly deceased, maybe stopping to take a hit or two of formaldehyde; then I started obsessing, "What will Lindsay do in the morgue?" I can't imagine the work a morgue worker could create for an untrained child star with a propensity for drinks, drugs and fast driving. In fact, if I were a creepy morgue worker, I wouldn't want a Disney Channel princess messing up my dead people. 

After a Google search of morgue, I got scared, and quit reading about decomposition and autopsies.

Then I found it, I found the perfect job for Lindsay Lohan-- The Los Angeles County Coroner's Office (morgue) where Lindsay will do her time has a gift shop! A gift shop! What better place for Lindsay to work than in retail? It's like Kitson for valley girls no longer walking this mortal coil! Let LiLo explain the fashionable benefits of purchasing a "Women's Fitted Tee" (Features "L.A. County Coroner" and "Body Logo" on front chest area, imprinted in silver glitter) or model a yellow sports bag featuring the Coroner's logo like the little Gold's Gym rat that she was last summer while trying to get through rehab in Utah County...

As much as I can't wait to see blackmail-worthy pictures of Lindsay elbow-deep in corpse goop, I am now far more disturbed that any coroner's office would have a gift shop. And to all my friends, I know what I'm getting you for Christmas next year.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Saving the Earth

Since I work for an organization which promotes eco-friendly, "green" behavior, I have been trying to do my part to help out the planet. I feel it's my duty to practice what I preach; I don't leave the water running while I brush my teeth, I have changed my light bulbs from standard bulbs to compact florescent bulbs, hell, I even remember to put recycling in the blue cans.

This is a big deal for me. A couple of years ago, I thought, "What I do doesn't make a difference." But it really does. Just one person making a conscious decision to do just one simple thing really can help the planet.

I have just discovered one more thing to add to my planet-helping plan: 360 Vodka. The first eco-friendly vodka. The distilling uses environmentally conscious methods and packaging whenever possible, and even chooses to use eco-friendly marketing materials. Not to mention the bottle is make from post-consumer waste and recycled glass and they donate profits back to environmental organizations.

Now, being green is even easier! And eco-friendly vodka certainly makes me want to toast a Cosmopolitan to Mother Earth.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The train wreck continues

...and it was everything I thought it would be.

After a month of looking forward to Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels, I was not disappointed. There were all the trashy women, strippers and idiots we have all come to expect when tuning into a show such as this. I found myself glued to the entire hour, every passing minute wondering, "Why am I watching this?" But I couldn't pull myself away. 

Seriously, who are these women in the world who throw themselves at Bret Michaels, not caring if some other slam-pig slipped him the tongue just ten seconds before? I am fascinated by this phenomenon; that women think all they have to do is audition for a reality show and suddenly they've made something out of themselves.

I'm all for healthy competition, however after viewing what's in store for the upcoming season, I just don't know if I can soberly watch this show. Greased pig competition? Mud football? Peep show talents? And yet I perpetuate the reality show viewership.

Gotta' go. The new and improved American Gladiators starts in two minutes. 

Thursday, January 10, 2008


Many years ago, usually during a punch-drunk closing of the store where we worked, a co-worker friend and I would joke about the infomercial for the buckwheat husk heating pads. The idea about the pillow is that you can put it in the microwave and heat it up so you've got a nice, toasty moist heat without catching on fire in the middle of the night if you fall asleep in bed with an electric heating pad.

On said infomercial, the heavily-accented man kept saying "Buckwheat husk, IT WILL NOT BURN!"

To which the woman standing next to him in the infomercial said, "But what if it burns me?"

"IT WILL NOT BURN!" the man forcefully repeated.

Since the buckwheat husk heating pads were infomercial fodder, it came as no surprise that my mother felt inclined to order several years ago, which was great the other night when I remembered I owned these things. A particularly strenuous dance class combined with lifelong bad dancing knees and a winter storm high-pressure system left me unable to even get upstairs. I thought, "IT WILL NOT BURN!" and threw two of the amazing things into the microwave before I settled into some couch time. Five minutes made them hot, but not so hot that they lasted through some television shows, so when I was getting ready for bed I decided I'd double the time and nuke the bastards for ten minutes.

Midway through brushing my teeth I noticed that the buckwheat husk was filling my apartment with a delightful organic and slightly lawn-ish scent. By the time I finished brushing my teeth, I thought, "Wow, the buckwheat husk. It smells like burn... shit!" I ran downstairs and saw that the buckwheat husk had ignited in the microwave and though the filler itself "WILL NOT BURN!" the material covering the outside most certainly "WILL FREAKING BECOME TINDER!"

After a few choice words, I threw open the microwave door, grabbed the smoldering buckwheat husk* by the handy carrying ropes, opened the front door and launched the damn thing into the snow. Damn you, buckwheat husk guy! 'Lo these many years later, I called your your bluff and you "WILL TOO BURN!" Now, where's my "unsafe" electric heating pad?

*For the record, this incident ended better than the time I attempted frying wontons and ended up evacuating all of the Gateway Apartments (including the mall) on Super Bowl Sunday a few years ago.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Congrats! my friend Kelly, who just got published in Pearl, a literary magazine. I've known Kelly since middle school and am thrilled that we're still in touch and encouraging each other on our talents and writings. Go to the site and order yours now because when she's famous you'll wish you did.

She constantly inspires me to write (even outside this blog, go figure!) and with her kind suggestions I might even pull my head out of my ass and submit some of my own writing someday. Until then, I live vicariously... Congratulations!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

"Scent"sory overload

Tonight was my monthly trek to Bath and Body Works, mostly because the yummy-smelling Wallflowers I have scenting my house, the same that I paid full price for less than a month ago, were on sale for only $5. In addition, many of the body sprays I have scenting my person, the same that I paid full price for less than a month ago, were on sale too.

As I walked through the store, dodging "helpful" salespeople who were bound and determined to spray me with smells I'd find in bordello, I settled on a few purchases and trudged up to the counter to pay. If I was going to pay full price for everything less than a month ago, I was bound and determined to pick up on a few sales tonight. (This also makes me a sucker just like everyone else who paid full price for the holidays and was also bound and determined to "save" now.) I even managed to make it to the counter without the scent of dirty hooker emanating from my pulse points.

As I've lamented before, I have one of those faces, I guess, that makes people want to talk to me and divulge things I'd rather not know. Tonight, it happened again.

Lady at the counter: Oooh, Wallflowers. These really make your house smell really good.

Me: Yep.

Lady at the counter: I have a broccoli-eating dog.


Lady at the counter: I mean, he really eats a lot of that stuff.


Lady at the counter: Sends you right out of the room.


Since it's the post-holiday retail lull I can only imagine the BBW had their B-team working tonight, but something inside made me wish for a spray to make people disappear.