Thursday, July 31, 2008

Role Reversal...

I seem to always have interesting experiences when I'm at the gym. After logging four miles in 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer this evening (feeling aggro during the day apparently equals a giant sweat-fest for a workout at night), I noticed this guy getting on a machine next to me who had a crazy little rat tail just like Keith's on Project Runway. I didn't think much of it other than, "hmmm, that guy has a crazy little rat tail just like Keith's on Project Runway.... and a shoulder tattoo just like Keith's... and glasses... waaaait a minute..."

I ran as Keith ran, and as I finished up my workout, I contemplated shouting, "I HATED YOUR DRESS LAST NIGHT!" You know the one that Michael Kors said looked like it was made of toilet paper caught in a windstorm? But there's nothing worse than being recognized when you're a giant sweaty mess, unless of course, you're a giant sweaty mess yourself. When to my surprise a guy walked up to Keith and, from what I could gather, started professing that he was a huge fan.

I chuckled a bit as I left the elliptical to finish with a run on the treadmill, but for what it's worth, even though Keith's hanky dress was a miss he does have pretty nice ass.


Here is one of the best newspaper headlines I've read in a long time:
Teen needs 300 stitches after knife and battle-ax attack

Where exactly does one get a functioning Medieval battle-ax, and once they get one, what would compel them to hit someone with one? The article finally draws the conclusion that the detectives ended up catching the culprit because his car's Insane Clown Posse bumper sticker matched the Insane Clown Posse necklace found at the scene of the crime. Does listening to ICP really lead to violent craziness? And just who is the police detective that honed such fine Nancy Drew skills to put two and two "Juggalo" clues together?

These are all questions I have this afternoon.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

A sternly worded letter...

Update 08/05/08:
The exceptionally nice general manager of the Cheesecake Factory called me last night to discuss my letter. Not only do I appreciate him taking the time out to address what I wrote, I also appreciate his sincerity. While this experience wasn't the greatest, I do like how he took the letter seriously and has committed to working with his staff of these issues. Who says the pen isn't mightier than the sword?

I seem to be writing a lot of these lately. Last one was earlier this month to Einstein Bagels who all but wiped their butt with my turkey sandwich that took 30 minutes to make. Needless to say, if anyone ever needs a sternly worded letter written, please submit your request for my writing in writing.

Dear Cheesecake Factory,
We were extremely excited to try this location, as everyone in our work department had only been to the Las Vegas Cheesecake Factory location. We left work with the anticipation of a great dining experience for a working lunch meeting, yet all five of us were horrified at what ensued. Upon arrival, we had no problem accepting the 35 minute wait for a table, however after being seated and promptly ordering (we had plenty of wait time to decide on what we wanted to eat), we were surprisingly forced to endure another 40 minute wait for our appetizer. It was only when we reminded our server that we had ordered edamame (not a tough dish to prepare and/or serve) as an appetizer she finally brought that out. We never received our salads we ordered with our lunch entrees, though we did get the side servings of dressing that sat out on the table for nearly an hour, and instead got our lunches (term used loosely because of the shoddy quality of the food and cold temperatures). Finally, we were served the salads as dessert, though couldn’t eat the dressings because of the congealed skin that had formed in nearly two hours since we first got it. Then, imagine our disappointment when we noticed that parties much larger than ours were finished with their lunches and vacating their tables as the bussers were hurredly resetting those places for new, unwitting diners. Because we were already three hours into this lunch, we didn't feel we had two more hours to spend on bringing up our dissatisfaction with our server and therefore went to the manager to help us out. We were told, "You should have said something sooner" and were promptly dismissed, again punished for simply trying to enjoy a nice lunch. For a place with a monumental reputation such as Cheesecake Factory, I should think I wouldn't have to even let you know we had these issues. I understand the position the recipient of this complaint letter is in, as I am the person at my company who answers customer complaints, but I could not sit idly by and allow this experience, kind of service and product slide past you. I speak for our entire group when I say we will never spend money at the Cheesecake Factory again in this lifetime and I will be sure to let anyone else know this opinion if they are considering patronizing your establishment. It is shameful to experience this kind of lunch with a restaurant with name recognition like the Cheesecake Factory, and quite honestly the hours spent at this Utah location should have been spent driving the 400 miles south to your restaurant in Las Vegas.

Thank you for your time,

Monday, July 28, 2008

Saw It!

I've seen quite a few live shows in my day, but this was by far the best stand-up ever! I have loved Eddie for years now, and finally got a chance to see him at the Palms in Vegas this past Friday. He was even more brilliant than in Dress to Kill, if at all possible, and his show went for over two hours. I had killer seats in the third row, so I could watch his dreamy blue eyes up-close for the entire time.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Deeper Meaning?

Last night, I had a dream that the guy I'm dating buried me in a hole with a large Starbuck's latte and a Hickory Farms Yard O'Beef like you would get at a mall kiosk during the holidays.

Disturbed even this morning, I'm mad at him for doing this.

In order to find some kind of deeper meaning in this interesting dream, I consulted an online dream dictionary. This will surely help me sort things out! If it's on the internets, it's accurate, right?

Here are some of the main themes of last night's dream and their meanings from an onine dream dictionary:
Coffee- Stimulation. Sometimes over-excitement. A need to slow down.
Hole- Escape. Search. Denial. Looking for an answer or hidden from it.
Cow (since it was the closest thing I could find to Hickory Farms holiday Yard O' Beef from a mall kiosk)- Docile and productive. Great prosperity in all ventures but watch out your own affairs carefully. Cows promise abundant fulfillment of hopes and desires.

I don't know how accurate this online dream dictionary really is. According to this analysis, I am trying to escape from the over-stimulation of a Yard O' Beef that will bring me all my wildest dreams and desires. I find it disheartening that I don't eat meat, yet this dream shows I will be eternally stuck in a hole with the Yard O' Beef. Is this a metaphor for men in general or perhaps a gentle reminder to start my Christmas shopping to avoid holiday stress?

Maybe I just need a better dream dictionary?

Friday, July 18, 2008

First "Sweating to the Oldies..."

Now it's Cardioke! I saw an infomercial for this while I was working out the other night and I nearly peed my stretchy pants. I get the whole concept that it's a great workout to sing and dance together, and we all know the rigors that high-energy singer/dancers like Madonna or Justin Timberlake go through to be able to do what they do on stage. But they get paid to sing. Part of their job is to sing and dance... together. We are disappointed if they are not smoking hot. They're not old lady neighbor, Betty, trying to belt out the lyrics to "Unwritten." The last time I heard a rendition of "Unwritten" that horrifying, I had lapsed into a vodka-induced coma while watching episodes of The Hills.

I had no idea that Billy Blanks (a.k.a. "Mr. Tai-Bo") had a son, and I wonder if Cardioke really is the "latest craze" or if he's trying to capitalize on all those family fitness dollars.

In case you'd like to start doing the Cardioke, here is the very same stretchy pants-wetting promo I saw with my very own eyes:

In other news, Gev left So You Think You Can Dance last night, which I wholeheartedly believe is one of the most undeserved exits in the show's four season history. His solo was amazing, he was the best all-around performer on the show, and I will miss seeing his cute face every Wednesday night. On the upshot, he'll be back to Utah and at dance rehearsals soon, I'm sure. Also, I'll have my Wednesday night freed up for Project Runway.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Gev still rocking!

Last night, Gev had to change partners and ended up with fellow Utahn Chelsey. He's fantastic, such a good friend and it's great seeing him just kick some major ass on So You Think You Can Dance.

Check it out:

Nigel will forever have some kind of weird bias against Gev, it seems. It's like if he says anything complimentary, he has to negate it with some kind of backward, pithy slam. And the part about him not holding his own during the Jive was completely untrue, Gev is in it to win it and each week continues to prove why he will remain on the show for quite some time!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Things not to do while driving...

I've seen people reading magazines while driving, and there certainly is no shortage of people text messaging while behind the wheel. For some reason this morning, this guy's usage of a very large electric toothbrush made me laugh:

Monday, July 14, 2008

My Political Good Deed

I don't like to make this blog too political, however, my friends Jon and Jaime down at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, UT have alerted me to this worthy cause. I'm thinking of getting a little adopted kitty (If I can get over the thought of becoming a single, cat lady. First step, get a cat. Second step, regrow the hymen) and I will definitely get a shelter animal if I do! If you're a blogger, please copy this information onto your blog to spread the word as much as we can!

From Adopt a dog on Facebook:
"If Sen. Barack Obama becomes president, he’ll instantly be faced with decisions that will affect millions of Americans. Obama will also soon be making a decision that could affect millions of American dogs. It has been reported that once the election is over, win or lose, the Obamas will be looking for a new four-legged family member (much to his daughters’ delight).

We, the members of this group, urge the Obama family to rescue a homeless dog. Whether they choose to adopt a purebred or a mutt, this action would undoubtedly cause a ripple effect to the benefit of all homeless animals. In a country where millions of dogs are killed each year in shelters, purchasing from a breeder or pet store is not an ethical choice. Taking a stand by choosing to save a life would set an example of the highest standard."

Click here for the Facebook page.
Click here to sign the petition.
Click here for the website

...and I can't get up...

For the second year in a row, a Miss USA has turfed it during the Miss Universe pageant. Maybe because I seem to fall off things so often (generally at the gym), but I love watching people fall down. If they're not hurt, I like to watch the recovery process. With that, I bring you some of my favorite famous biffs.

Miss Universe pageant this year (Crystie Stewart, Miss USA 2008)

Miss Universe pageant last year (Rachel Smith, Miss USA 2007)

And from 2006, the Grape Stomp will go down in history as my favorite fall... ever!

They're Day-Glo!

There are few things more relaxing than getting a fresh pedicure. In fact, I rank a pedicure just somewhere between a fairly explicit mid-day Daniel Craig fantasy and finding a hot pair of True Religion jeans marked down. But yesterday's pedicure experience left me a bit off-kilter, though with fabulous toes.

I went to the gym for quite some time yesterday and decided my toes needed a little TLC. I located a cheapie "Open on Sunday in Utah" pedicure place and got seated even without an appointment. Soon after I sat down and stuck my feet in the foot bath, this fairly harsh woman and her daughter rushed in and demanded immediate attention. The daughter sat down next to me, and as the pedicure girl began belt-sanding her callouses, she sort of stops and says to the girl, "You have toe fungus."

"I DO?!?" the girl gasped in shock.

I shot the girl a disgusted "You're such a dirty pirate-leper" look.

The pedicure girl confirmed, "Toe. Fungus."

The daughter didn't really say much, but just sat there and let pedicure girl continue (after pedicure girl located some plastic gloves), then when the daughter's rude mother insisted they sit together, she changed chairs.

"That lady said I have toe fungus, mom," said the daughter as she put on her paper flip flops and waddled down the row of chairs. "TOE FUNGUS!!"

The rude mother replied, "That's ridiculous. You're not dirty."

Meanwhile, another customer came in and was seated in dirty toe fungus daughter's original chair. Now, waaaait a minute! Dirty toe fungus daughter changes chairs, and though they put new water in her original foot bath, I didn't ever see anybody use any bleach and/or disinfectant.

Though my new toes are so bright I will be able to dress like a ninja and jog barefoot at night without getting hit by a car, I have to wonder if I need to be more concerned with the cleanliness of establishments I frequent.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Fall off, and get back on?

I've written before about my little gym mishaps, but the other night actually left me with a bit of an injury. Simply put, I fell off the treadmill.

Apparently when you use an armband holder for your iPod, you're supposed to put the device in UPSIDE-DOWN so you can read the display and so the scroll wheel isn't backward for you. I failed to do this, and thought I would live with it for just one workout.

About 15 minutes into my run on the treadmill, I became restless with my music selection and began fiddling with the improperly stowed iPod. I must have been listing to the side because my foot got caught on the side of the moving belt and it wasn't until I was sort of flailing off the side and then down the whole length of the treadmill onto the floor that I saw my life flash in front of my eyes.

I picked myself back up, and ran even faster as if to say, "See? I'm still INCREDIBLY athletic!" but appalled that nobody rushed to my rescue; not even to ask if I was okay. Still, maybe it is karma that if I would've seen me, I would've laughed uncontrollably too.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Spumoni = Holy Trinity?

From the Deseret News today, an ice cream shop customer allegedly found Jesus staring back from some Spumoni. My favorite quote from the photo, "We weren't sure if we should scoop... him." So the Holy Trinity is chocolate, pistachio and strawberry?

My question: if Jesus were going to appear to us, why does he continually choose to appear in food? Grilled Cheese sandwiches and now ice cream. I guess I sort of assumed he was healthier than that, what with all the fishes and loaves and stuff.

But that's just me.

Mark your calendar!

I'm sure 7-11 will love me for this, but mark down that in honor of July 11 (that's tomorrow) it's free Slurpee day! That's right! On 07/11 head down to your neighborhood 7-11 and pick up your free ounces of liquid crack, err, sugar.

On the upshot, they make Crystal Light Slurpees these days and I think you can score one for about 30 calories.

Just add vodka.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Not very motivated

Hey all, haven't necessarily been very motivated to post on the old blog lately. Mostly because I think that all four of my readers have dropped off.

Until I find my motivation, I ran across this article that sounded quite a bit like something that would happen to me.

With that, I present, "Teen finds bat in her bra while wearing it" for your Wednesday viewing pleasure:

Abbie Hawkins was left in shock after realizing a bat had been curled up inside her bra for five hours while she was wearing it.

The 19-year-old says she found a baby bat, about the size of her hand, tucked away in the padded pocket of her undergarment.

She says, "it looked very snug in there and I thought how mean I was for disturbing it."

Hawkins says she got dressed for work as usual and felt a slight vibration when driving but thought her cell phone was going off.

The bat apparently got into Hawkins' bra when the bra was hanging on the clothing line outside the night before.

The bat was unharmed and released outside.