Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Police...

I'm officially on vacation and ready to leave tomorrow morning. After a lengthy phone encounter with the "helpful" folks from Travelocity, I am leaving two hours earlier than originally planned. I realize I should go to bed, but instead I'm watching REINDEER POLICE!!! That's right!

Reindeer police and wine is on the agenda tonight when I should be getting my beauty sleep for a grueling 15 hours of travel complete with two stopovers throughout this great United States. In the North of Norway, thousands of reindeer still roam about freely. The Reindeer Police patrol reindeer and Norwegian bearded ladies. The reindeer belong to herders who work in extreme conditions like their ancestors. To solve conflicts among these herders, a special police on snow mobiles patrols the great north.

If you are pre-comatose and can't sleep tonight, perhaps Reindeer Police can help you.

In case you don't want to sit through all 51 minutes of Reindeer Police, here is my brilliant, wine-induced commentary on two minutes of said video:
video

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Whining...


Or, in this case, "wine-ing," as in a post about wine, but that doesn't look very good on the title. It makes it look like I spelled it incorrectly and I pride myself on grammar and spelling.

It's a very sad day today as I realized I've developed an allergy to wine, specifically Virgin Vines Shiraz. For the last few months, I've consumed a fair amount of this wine because I found it on sale at the wine store. Subsequently, for the last few months, I've broken out in unexplainable hives.

After a particularly nasty bout with hives a couple of months ago, I went to a dermatologist thoroughly convinced (after consulting Web M.D. and self-diagnosing) that I needed treatment for scabies. I made them give me scabies medication, not because I believe I am a dirty scabies girl, but because there simply wasn't any other explanation. Web M.D. said I had scabies, I had scabies! I figured that maybe my feather bed I bought last winter was the culprit and that wayward scabies had hijacked their way into my bedroom. (Think recent "deadly spider found in Whole Foods bananas" story.) Incidentally, the scabies medication didn't help or do anything, but it was still nice to know that I was scabies-free. My next thought was perhaps scurvy, but I eat oranges. And I'm not a pirate.

At work today, I had an out-of-the-blue "a ha!" moment when I figured out that my current few hives began Friday night after I drank a couple of glasses of Virgin Vines Shiraz. I didn't down the whole bottle, as I'm known to occasionally do, which is why I have just a few hives. I thought maybe I got caught in some freak pre-summer, zero-humidity megamosquito attack while enjoying some time outside, but now I think it was the shiraz. Then I came home and found this about wine allergies, "The symptoms of a sulfite sensitivity reaction vary from mild to life-threatening. The most common symptoms are mild and involve a skin rash accompanied by redness, hives, itching, flushing, tingling and swelling." Yep, that's me.

Damn you, dirty shiraz. Why must you taunt me so? So, now what do I do? Further test this allergy theory by drinking my last bottle of Virgin Vines "just to make sure" I'm really allergic? Pawn it off on someone who isn't destined to never again drink shiraz? Get tested again for scabies?

Damn you, sulfites. Damn you, Richard Branson.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Mactanna...



Just when I thought I'd seen it all, I ran into some Hannah Montana Mac n' Cheese, or what I like to call "Hannah Mactanna," today.

Now you too can eat Miley for dinner; with 100% real cheese! (Not surprising) And the only price you'll have to pay to eat Miss Cyrus' box is $.70 and 280 calories per serving. What a bargain!

I just wonder why the directions are written in an accent straight from the backwoods of Arkansas? From the box of Hannah Mactanna: "Kids In The Kitchen. Whatcha Need: A Little Help from Yer Mom Or Dad and?6 Cups Water, 1/2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter, 3 Tbsp Skim Milk. How to Do It: 1. Bring 6 Cups of Water to A Boil. Stir In The Macaroni. Boil For 6-8 Minutes Or Until Tender. 2. Once Cooked, Drain Water from Pan In A Strainer, Then Put Macaroni Back In Pan. 3. Now Add Your: 1/2 Tbsp Unsalted Butter, 3 Tbsp Skim Milk, Contents of Cheese Packet. Stir It Up Well. Enjoy! Yup! You've Done It! Time to Eat Yer Macaroni and Cheese!"

Yup! Time to eat yer macaroni and cheese!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Gym...

I have been working out like a crazy lady lately, but couldn't continue at the gym last Saturday when I looked around after my dance class and saw this:

I call this photo "Banana Hammock."

Advice

I stumbled across a Web site the other day, thatsnotcool.com, that teaches young folks about the pressures that technology can put on dating, i.e. texting, sending racy photos, etc. Now, I stress this site is for young folks, but maybe more adults should look at these videos too. I will now do my civic duty by presenting to you a video called "Text Monster."



While there is much talk lately on how the recession is contributing to better love lives and relationships (who wants to be poor and alone?), I believe that technology is making it more difficult to actually date in order to find the one you with whom you want to be poor and alone.

I propose that people need to practice "retro dating," you know, where the guy calls you up, asks you out and you talk rather than text.

First rule of "retro dating?" I believe that going out rather than hanging out is the best way to get to know someone. Dating is not sitting in your pajamas, sans makeup, in your cluttery, little apartment. This is hanging out, and in the beginning stages of dating, hanging out is not sexy. Going out need not be expensive either, hell, I'd be happy with a Sizzler salad bar or an evening ride on an ATV followed up by even a decent cocktail or glass of wine. The point is, you get to know someone by doing stuff, not schlepping around. There are plenty of nights to schlep when the two of you are in the throws of a recession-sparked poverty party; hanging out should not happen until you have gone out at least a few times.

Secondly, I think a new focus on creating a Mix Tape (Mix CD) would facilitate this idea of retro dating. While it might be expensive to bring your new date flowers and spend cash on a dinner, why not throw together a few of your favorite tracks to reveal a bit of yourself to your new sweetie? Granted, this could be a deal breaker when you find your new blonde, blue-eyed Adonis has a thing for a quaint combo of Cher and Young Jeezy, but there's a chance you might just get some new music out of it.

I once went out with a guy who on our first (lunch) date brought me a CD he burned of Grant Green. Knowing I was a fan of jazz music, I thought this was extremely thoughtful and I ended up discovering a new side of jazz guitar. I still have this CD, and though I'm haunted by his handwriting, I love the music. While that may sound extremely pretentious and snarky, I had encounter with a different guy and Martini Ranch. Amazing how a concept band fronted by a pre-Wierd Science Bill Paxton can still make me swoon. Still.

My point is, what have you got to lose? If your date's music really sucks, who couldn't use a new silver coaster? And if your tastes in music aren't compatible, isn't it better to find that out sooner rather than later?

Now, I don't profess to know all the particulars of dating, but I do know that I've had enough frustrating encounters with the opposite sex to offer these few helpful tips. For some reason lately, I feel the need to help humanity and what better way to give back to the planet by helping them find the sweetie I can't seem to find myself? Those who cannot do, teach, and at this point in my life I feel I have a Ph. D. in serial monogamy.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Ham...

I am severely disturbed by the new Boost Mobile commercial which features two talking pigs dining on ham. I don't know, maybe it's not even new, but I've never seen it before. In fact, I don't even know what the pigs were saying about Boost Mobile phones because I was totally freaked out by the fact they were chowing two giant plates of ham while saying they're "Just enjoying the flavors of a fallen friend."

The pigs also appear to be dirty.

So many questions this commercial makes me ponder: Why are the pigs dirty? Are we to assume these dirty pigs are not Jewish? What's more, why does this cell phone company believe that dirty cannibal pigs will make us want to buy cell phones? Am I reading too much into this commercial? Am I wearing pants?


Friday, March 13, 2009

Bliss...



I finally treated myself to something nice.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Got the vapors...

Just before bed tonight, I watched Mythbusters and saw something so strange, so awesome, I laughed out loud on my couch:

The Tennessee Fainting Goat.

While I once visited Tennessee and saw creatures I'd never seen in Utah (fireflies) I did not see one of these crazy goats. According to Wikipedia, "A fainting goat is a breed of domestic goat whose muscles freeze for roughly 10 seconds when the goat is startled. Though painless, this generally results in the animal collapsing on its side." Apparently this is caused by a genetic condition, with a hilariously funny outcome. Here, have a look:



I pass out when I'm happy, tired, scared; I wonder if I have a little fainting goat in me. If this is the case, I ask kindly that you don't refer to me as "stiff-legged goat."

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Reuniiited...



...and it feels sooo good.

I came home the other day for lunch and found the maintenance crew outside and was able to tell them the green shovel they likely "found" against my front door was mine. I was very polite, but firm, telling them since this was the second stolen shovel this year, I would like it back if they have it.

'Lo and behold, I came home from work and there was my shovel.

I might sleep with it tonight. I love you, shovel.