Best of...

I think I'm pretty damn funny. I hope you do too. Many current readers might not realize that I started this blog in February 2005 as a supplement to stuff I talked about on the Morning Zoo on 97.1 ZHT. So as a four-year anniversary to "Beyond the Air: Radio Free Holly," I present to you my favorite thoughts, quotes and chunks found throughout the years.

From June 23, 2005:
"Yes, nothing says 'Happy Birthday' quite like a bunch of burning tampons!! This is a quick-fix that would make MacGyver proud. Now, if only they could build a bomb out of Tampax and hand lotion!!"

From August 1, 2005:
"I wore some cute, cotton Aberbcrombie pants last summer to a remote, and it was hot, and any sweat looks like a little bit of pee. In fact, I believe our remote tech accused me of peeing but I am grown up enough, as is Fergie, to know when to use the bathroom."

From February 10, 2006:
"During the Viennese Waltz performance, the dress got twisted, my nipple popped out and got caught over the left side of the dress, and my partner twirled me around for all to see."

From August 31, 2006:
"You can't see it very well, but it's true, there is a place called 'Jo Jo's Munch House' on State Street in Salt Lake City."

From September 12, 2006:
"Jeff from the O2 Oxygen Spa in Salt Lake came in tonight and juiced us up. I chose 'Serenity,' a combination of lavendar and I believe eucalyptus. I feel mellow. I also would like a pizza, a bag of Doritos and maybe a Slim Jim..."

From September 26, 2006:
"I would rather stick a hot letter opener into my nasal cavity than ever run for public office, which is good since my job is technically a conflict of interest."

From November 11 2006:
"True to form of being the most graceful klutz I know, I lit my hand on fire and proceeded to drop the flaming stuff onto my favorite Hello Kitty blanket. Remember in the 70s how acrylic bedding was a fire hazard? Apparently it’s still a fire hazard in the year 2006. In a flash, I threw open the patio door and tossed Burning Kitty outside and like a drunk idiot jumped on it—all while wearing slippers."

From February 13, 2007:
"Don’t marry a guy that has Satan Worshippers as friends. They will just inevitably want you to birth the new Anti-Christ."

From March 15, 2007:
"Whenever a designer is booted off the show, head judge dsigner Jonathan Adler tells them, 'See you later, decorator!' And with a little wave and wiggle of his fingers, the contestant is bid adieu."

From July 31, 2007:
"Today, Michelangelo Antonioni went to the big sound stage in the sky. He was an amazing director who made 'Blow Up,' one of my favorite films. I was first turned onto this movie by someone for whom I will have an eternal soft-spot, so I'm wondering if I love the movie because it reminds me of him, or if it's really a brilliant film."

From September 5, 2007:
"If you are dating someone and that someone happens to die, do not keep their old bras out on your shed workbench. It will make the person you might later date question your affection for them, and that will be the start of a slow spiral down the proverbial relationship toilet."

From September 30, 2007:
"Instead of throwing away the whole mess, plate and all, I decided to try and break apart the upper part of the chip-wad and eat it. After a couple of bites, I realized that not only does fat-free "cheese" turn into titanium when put on chips and microwaved, but it also tastes like shit."

From October 29, 2007:
"I thought, 'Is this my test? Now am I supposed to dig a key out of a guy's colon to get out of here?' To no avail, I had to sit there and endure the stinging sensation while I watched a small Asian woman with a razor blade scrape foot-heel skin off an 80-year-old lady. It was sensory overload."

From November 11, 2007:
"I saw some guy's junk. Right there, three ab benches away from me. Some random guy's junk, just out there for the world to gaze upon. It was bad enough that his shorts were shorter than something out of Studio 54 circa 1978, but as he was doing his ab crunches, his legs were bent and splayed open like a sweaty crab."

From December 9, 2007:


From January 10, 2008:
"Midway through brushing my teeth I noticed that the buckwheat husk was filling my apartment with a delightful organic and slightly lawn-ish scent. By the time I finished brushing my teeth, I thought, 'Wow, the buckwheat husk. It smells like burn... shit!' I ran downstairs and saw that the buckwheat husk had ignited in the microwave and though the filler itself 'WILL NOT BURN!' the material covering the outside most certainly 'WILL FREAKING BECOME TINDER!'"

From January 31, 2008:
You've got to read it in its entirety to do it justice.

From February 15, 2008:
"On the morning of Valentine's Day I left him a 12-pack of Miller High Life for a gift because I had no idea what to get him. That night, he punched me in his sleep because he thought I was either 1) a stranger 2) an intruder or 3) the Vietcong. I was too tired to drive home so I slept in the guest room. On Valentine's Day. Alone."

From April 6, 2008 (Live Blogging Rock of Love finale):
"7:05- I felt bad for Daisy until a shot of her walking revealed her thong underwear sticking out of her jeans."

From April 10, 2008:
"Having thrown up at the gym several times in my life (there was this one time when I thought that drinking a 32-ounce chai before running on the treadmill was a good idea. There was also that one fake bacon incident...), I didn't think anything of it, until I passed out at the grocery store."

From June 6, 2008:
"There I stood, marinading in 'Regular,' mad that not only did I stink, but seeing all that gas pooling on the pavement was like flushing a wad of twenties down the toilet."

From July 23, 2008:
"Last night, I had a dream that the guy I'm dating buried me in a hole with a large Starbuck's latte and a Hickory Farms Yard O'Beef like you would get at a mall kiosk during the holidays."

Crap! Got to run and go to dance now, stay posted for more of my favorite quotes.

Gearing up

It's that time of year when I come off the Christmas/New Year's depression, into the inversion/cold weather melancholy, spiraling toward the Valentine's Day batshitcrazy. Maybe it's because I've spent day two sick on the couch watching a Bravo reality show marathon (yesterday was the Real Housewives of the OC, today was Top Chef), but I'm not feeling extremely optimistic.

I have learned that next year I will not get a flu shot if I'm just going to get sick anyway. But I digress...

Next month, we'll give in to yet another commercialized holiday by purchasing stuff meant for professing our love. I'm talking Valentine's Day, one of the lamest days of the year. I would prefer to tell loved ones that I feel strongly for them regardless of the time of year. Simply, just because it's Valentine's Day, doesn't mean that's the only time of year we should tell people we love them.

Still, what better way to say it than with a Conversation Heart? From this brief history of Conversation Hearts on candyfavorites.com, these candies started off as peppermint lozenges wrapped in printed foil and then eventually came to be the heart-shaped staple that we know and love. I feel the candy hearts are a little behind the times, so I have come up with some of my own Conversation Hearts for this century, courtesy of the ACME Heart Maker:

First off, here's a simple turn of phrase for the person who tells you they love you and then bails:


Next, this heart is for the gift that keeps on giving:


This heart is to show appreciation for the well-developed, by whichever means they become so impressive:


Finally, I couldn't resist making this heart for an SNL "Sean Connery" to give to "Alex Trebek":


This heart generator provided me with hours of fun as I tried out different combinations of phrases. Though you're only allotted two lines of four letters each, you can still come up with clever sayings. For instance, you could say that someone with a three-letter first name S-U-X. Or, you could put aside all the Valentine's Day cynicism and profess your affection for Kevin Rose:

Is there a twelve-step program? The details...

Back tonight at my regular Sunday evening coffee shop, drinking the tasty flavors of chai with skim milk, and listening to Ingrid Michaelson. My new favorite song this week is The way I am, even if it was featured in an Old Navy commercial this past holiday season. Today began my CD ripping project where I finally end up throwing several thousand CDs onto my iPod. Despite reminiscing over 20 volumes of Just Can't Get Enough: New Wave Hits of the 80s today, I opted for the modern stylings of Michaelson tonight. 

As I mentioned last night, I have an unhealthy obsession with the Utah Jazz mascot, Bear. Though there are several cute guys on the Jazz who have not previously played here in Utah, Bear trumps them all. He's that brilliant combination of funny, athletic, confident... he doesn't say mean things. Quite possibly the perfect man. I don't have a crush on the guy inside Bear, I could really care less, but Bear, all all the gorgeous qualities he embodies.

The obsession with Bear began a couple of years ago when I worked for a local radio station and was doing a remote at a local car dealership. I had just finished a live hit, when I heard a screeching of tires and a loud bang. Before I knew it, I was covered in silly string; Bear had ridden into the dealership on his Harley and I got caught up in the colorful wake. 

Then it happened. 

Bear hoisted me over his shoulder, carried me outside, put me on the back of his bike and we rode off into the sunset. Okay, it was really just down the street, but I have never forgotten that day. Since then, I've had encounters with Bear during various events, and each time I'm reminded of his fuzzy chivalry-- whisking me away from the day's monotony, even if for a brief moment, on the back of his chrome horse.

I'm left wondering if women just want to feel rescued from time to time. Sure this experience wasn't necessarily just about Bear, but just the fact that some man sought me out of a crowd of people to act confident toward and do something special for. Last night, I had a chat with a girlfriend who I don't know what I would do without right now, and though we are both strong and intelligent, yet opinionated and hot, women, men apparently don't appreciate that. Or maybe they do, and it's foreign. I don't pretend to psychoanalyze men right now, but I do know that for as strong and intelligent and opinionated and successful as women can be, sometimes they just want someone to fight for them.

Fight is all relative. Fight doesn't mean drawing out the saber and chopping off the limbs of the Black Knight, but it does mean realizing a fantastic woman when you meet one. In this age of fast-paced lifestyle and unimaginable technology, I worry that people sometimes forget to take the time out to live a little fantasy here and there. Believe it or not, it's okay to show vulnerability.

I'll find my Bear one day-- all tall, hairy confidence I'm looking for in a guy. He doesn't even have to have the Harley.

Grammar police

After making the unfortunate mistake of watching a rerun of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" tonight, I came away with but one simple request: If you're going on television, please use proper grammar and/or vocabulary words. Well thought-out sentences might also be nice.

Here are things that made me cringe after just one episode:

• "I needed to excape from things..." (Second biggest grammatical pet peeve on the list just after people who say "expecially.")
  
• "I don't really know the 'pacifics' of what happened." (I think she meant to say, "I don't know the specifics of what happened.")
  
• "I have had some trouble with the Hummer. What can I say? It's a Hummer."
  
• "She's doing good."
  
• "We're going to the ranch... if you wanna' come out to the ranch, we'll leave the clicker." (I still don't know what a "clicker" is. Garage door opener, perhaps? Remote control? Small chicken?)
  
• "I started taking 'rill' estate classes..." (Pronunciation is our friend, too.)
• "We're sisters, but we don't fight... I don't think we've ever foughten."

These are the same people who complain that moving into a $1.9 million home after living in a $3.5 million home is "downsizing" and an example of falling on unsuccessful "hard times." I should have known better than to continue watching.

NaBloPoMo... going to commit

Since I have neither the time nor the patience to commit to NaNoWriMo this month, I won't be writing a novel. However, I need to commit to something creative right now since we have fewer Rocky Horror performances. Hence, a full straight month of blog posts for all to read.

And by "all," I mean "less than ten" readers of this blog. Still, my posts have been semi-regular, at best, and I'd like to see if I can maintain some consistency.

I figure it will all go to hell by Thanksgiving anyway.

There's always next November to start the "Great American Novel."