IT WILL NOT BURN!

Many years ago, usually during a punch-drunk closing of the store where we worked, a co-worker friend and I would joke about the infomercial for the buckwheat husk heating pads. The idea about the pillow is that you can put it in the microwave and heat it up so you've got a nice, toasty moist heat without catching on fire in the middle of the night if you fall asleep in bed with an electric heating pad.

On said infomercial, the heavily-accented man kept saying "Buckwheat husk, IT WILL NOT BURN!"

To which the woman standing next to him in the infomercial said, "But what if it burns me?"

"IT WILL NOT BURN!" the man forcefully repeated.

Since the buckwheat husk heating pads were infomercial fodder, it came as no surprise that my mother felt inclined to order several years ago, which was great the other night when I remembered I owned these things. A particularly strenuous dance class combined with lifelong bad dancing knees and a winter storm high-pressure system left me unable to even get upstairs. I thought, "IT WILL NOT BURN!" and threw two of the amazing things into the microwave before I settled into some couch time. Five minutes made them hot, but not so hot that they lasted through some television shows, so when I was getting ready for bed I decided I'd double the time and nuke the bastards for ten minutes.

Midway through brushing my teeth I noticed that the buckwheat husk was filling my apartment with a delightful organic and slightly lawn-ish scent. By the time I finished brushing my teeth, I thought, "Wow, the buckwheat husk. It smells like burn... shit!" I ran downstairs and saw that the buckwheat husk had ignited in the microwave and though the filler itself "WILL NOT BURN!" the material covering the outside most certainly "WILL FREAKING BECOME TINDER!"

After a few choice words, I threw open the microwave door, grabbed the smoldering buckwheat husk* by the handy carrying ropes, opened the front door and launched the damn thing into the snow. Damn you, buckwheat husk guy! 'Lo these many years later, I called your your bluff and you "WILL TOO BURN!" Now, where's my "unsafe" electric heating pad?

*For the record, this incident ended better than the time I attempted frying wontons and ended up evacuating all of the Gateway Apartments (including the mall) on Super Bowl Sunday a few years ago.