Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dead Woman Walking

Tomorrow I go under the knife. Okay, that's a little dramatic, I'm just getting my four wisdom teeth out.

Tomorrow I go under the pliers. 

I'm actually extremely freaked out about it, and though I've kind of been joking all week, "If I die on Thursday you can have my handbags..." I'd almost rather die than have to deal with anesthetic. And needles. And pain. 

All day I've been living life to the fullest and acting like if I were to die while "under" tomorrow, then at least I wouldn't have deprived myself of enjoyment today. I drank all the Diet Dr. Pepper I wanted at a meeting this afternoon. I shamelessly flirted with attractive men. I ate part of a mint brownie. (Hey, for me that's living on the edge.) This was to avoid feeling sorry for myself because I don't have a boyfriend to stroke my hair as I drool and spit up blood all over myself tomorrow during post-wisdom tooth yankage. I remember a friend of mine once told me that he knew his girlfriend loved him when she sat with him all bloody and groggy and gross when he had his wisdom teeth taken out. She's his wife now. They have a house, and a kid, and two dogs. I will have four bloody gauze wads, the possibility of dry sockets and my mom to look forward to. 

Tonight I endured a Zumba class at my gym, all the while joking to myself, "This might be the last time I work out." I didn't want anything to ruin my "last" class, least of all this extremely irritating and uncoordinated man who walked in late and stood behind me. At first I thought he wanted to stare at my beautiful and gyrating ass for an hour, but in reality his purpose on earth was to make my last workout before I die a living, breathing nightmare.

At various times throughout the workout he would shout out "HUH!" in time with the music. Sometimes not in time with the music: "HUH! HUH! HUH!" Right into my ear. Loudly in my ear. Sometimes directly behind my head. "HUH! HUH!" At one point, we kicked our right leg and I got a "HUH!" so startling I nearly landed on my beautiful and gyrating ass. As much as I appreciated his spirit and enthusiasm, I also wanted my hearing if I ended up living tomorrow. I thought, "How DARE this chicken-legged jerk ruin my last night on earth?" "HUH! HUH! HUH!" So I very nicely asked him, "If you're going to shout out, could you not do it right into my ear?" (And I actually was very nice about it; I even flashed him a smile and a little half-wink.) Then the asshat says, "You know, part of these classes is to go deaf enjoying the music. HUUUUUH!!" 

Then it was on.  I was going to die tomorrow and I would not let this guy get in the last word. "Uuuh, yeah, but last time I checked I didn't have to enjoy the music through an uncoordinated speaker blaring a foot behind my head." The statement just came out of me without thinking but, damnit, if I was going to leave this mortal coil in just fifteen short hours, I was going to leave it sassy. "SO HUH!"

The guy shut up because he left. My only regret was that I didn't so it earlier in the hour. On the upshot, at least I was able to enjoy in peace my last cool-down on earth.


dolt said...

With the right pre- and post-meds, this will be a walk in the park.

Holly said...

dolt: No pre-meds. Consequently, I'm edgy and pissy and hungry right now. I hope the post are good because I'm not going to even feel like drinking beer this weekend.

1979 semi-finalist said...

at least your corpse will be awesomely toned and have sweet blonde fembot hair.

on the serious side, you'll be totally fine. I did this when we were in highschool, and though I had "dramatic" bruises on my cheeks, it was all meds and chocolate milkshakes. good times!

make sure to post once you're up and we know not to send flowers ;)

dolt said...

If you didn't get Demerol, search for a new oral surgeon.

p.s.-being allergic to codeine sends you down that road.