Thursday, February 14, 2008

Next thing, they'll ban dancing!


Ever see Footloose? If you grew up in the 80s and had a thing for Kevin Bacon, chances are you've watched the film and even lusted over his Lehi Roller Mills ass-shaking. Sure ladies, you might have been distracted by the cute up-and-coming Bacon, or if you're a guy, you might've been into a sweet, little Sarah Jessica Parker. But let's not forget the main idea of the film: small-town close-mindedness that manifests itself in a group of people, who then end up trying to ban dancing.

This kinda reminds me of the recent witch-hunt Layton City police had when they took over a local mall's Spencer's store. According to news reports, police raided the store and left with everything they felt was sexually explicit and in minors' sight. The thing is, the police there haven't filed charges yet until they review the boxes, upon boxes, of racy items. Were they wrong to storm in and seize the stuff? And just what stuff did they actually seize? Only time will tell, but I feel this raid is the stuff of which a Mary Shelley novel is made. (Get it? People hunting Frankenstein with pitchforks and torches? Too highbrow?)

In the meantime, here are my favorite items from Spencer's online (not from the adult portion, but from the part that would equal the things out in plain sight on a store shelf) that might've pissed off militant mommies who might persuade the police in Layton City:

1. Pole-Dancing Kit. Touted as the "world's first portable pole-dancing kit," this item comes complete with garter, fake money and instructional DVD. I think the only fault of this might be the injuries that ensue when attempting to swing around a "spring loaded" pole not bolted to neither the ceiling, nor the floor.
2. 1-liter Beer Boot. When "12 oz is too little and a pint too puny" the beer boot is your friend. Also apparently for the Cinderella of the new millennium when searching for a prince, any prince, who may appear more handsome after drinking from this glass slipper.
3. Suck and Blow Jell-O Shooter. Something I think would be a best-seller in Utah since Jell-O is such a staple. Now instead of taking the tacky route by digging a Jell-O shot out of those teeny cups with your tongue, you can have someone blow the Jell-O into your mouth! While you suck! It's so simple!
4. Ho Stein. Think how popular you will be while sipping your "crunk juice" from your pimp cup. Grill not included.
5. Mohawk Drink Hat. When your run-of-the-mill beer hat isn't enough, here's a super-classy hairdo to go along with the 40s of Natty Light you can now carry on the sides of your head! That way when you go home to your family reunion in Delta or Beaver or from whereever you've matriculated, you don't even have to brush your hair! And it's pink!

Either the Layton Police are really off-base or they were fixin' to get enough stuff for one helluva party.

2 comments:

1979 semi-finalist said...

wow. hol. thanks for reminding me why i left in the first place. and why i feel like an alien every single freaking time i come back...even just to visit.

come...escape to a coast. either one. it's not perfect but it's a helluva lot easier to pretend the whole world hasn't gone stark raving mad.

Holly said...

Kel: I know, it's times like these when Boston calls louder than usual.