This was one of the mellowest Christmas days I've had in my entire life. All month I've told people, "I just want my long winter's nap," and today I got it.
Nevermind I was probably a bit sleepy from all the "Holly Jollys" I concocted for my mom and I last night (a top-secret combination of pomegranate and cranberry juices along with Absolut Citron and a splashy grenadine topper), but I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted today to be a normal day. I think there is too much pressure put upon festivities and cheerfulness because that's what we're supposed to do; that's what we're conditioned to do from the time we are kids and we wake up at 4 in the morning to find what Santa brought us. (Unless you were me, and woke up at 2:30 in the morning if my parents had forgotten to give me my very own holiday Benadryl to keep me asleep.)
Christmas used to be filled with people and music and rushing from place to place, generally ending with my dad's band playing at a club. That club doesn't exist anymore either, the dark windows symbolizing more to me than any building owner could know. Today, I exorcised demons and dust bunnies and threw away dried roses from ghosts of relationships past. I hung up all the coats I'd been too lazy the past month to properly put away, and amazingly enough, I discovered I have dining room chairs that shouldn't have been coat racks for so long.
Things have changed. My new holiday book I read today is Tim Burton's The Melancholy Story of Oyster Boy and Other Stories and I learned that "Stick Boy's festive season" ends up ashes like mine has. I think this is the coming year to rebuild my mojo, but first realizing today is a day just like any other day. Pretending to be festive when unbelievably sad is less comforting than imaginable, and finally admitting this has been cathartic. Last year I forced myself into a painted smile under curled hair, and this year, losses have sunk in much deeper. I'm finding out the abject permanence of life after we're left here flailing around. While situations haven't seemed real in the past 14 months, I'm learning this is the way it is.
Most years I've watched the holiday movies and played the music of the season, but this is the year to curl up and take those pressures off my mind. I watched Creepshow and laughed how I've never done any conventionally, and the holiday this year seems to have typified that. I know I will be okay, I know I will get through this, but why the hell does it have to hurt so much?
2 comments:
Hey babe, found your blog through Jim Bell's. I'm so sorry and I get it. As cliche as this is there is a silver lining somewhere. Don't know where that will be for you, but hope today is a bit brighter than the past and you can find your comfort and rest and recharge.
I have been reading your blogs for months, kinda stocker-ish of me, and I really wish I could help you. It's the knight in shining armour complex that most men suffer from. Listening to your thoughts and insights, have allowed me to remember my past, and deal with some baggage I had left in the corners of my mind to rot. Some wintery spring cleaning is needed. Truth is, I'd rather have my holidays to myself and not share them with inlaws. People I would in no way interact with in "real life", but I'm forced to because I married into that bunch. Always rushing and make apologise for missed "opportunities" for dinner and such. Anyway, take joy from your life. I'll e-mail you sometime.
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