I've seen quite a few live shows in my day, but this was by far the best stand-up ever! I have loved Eddie for years now, and finally got a chance to see him at the Palms in Vegas this past Friday. He was even more brilliant than in Dress to Kill, if at all possible, and his show went for over two hours. I had killer seats in the third row, so I could watch his dreamy blue eyes up-close for the entire time.
Last night, I had a dream that the guy I'm dating buried me in a hole with a large Starbuck's latte and a Hickory Farms Yard O'Beef like you would get at a mall kiosk during the holidays.
Disturbed even this morning, I'm mad at him for doing this.
In order to find some kind of deeper meaning in this interesting dream, I consulted an online dream dictionary. This will surely help me sort things out! If it's on the internets, it's accurate, right?
Here are some of the main themes of last night's dream and their meanings from an onine dream dictionary:
Coffee- Stimulation. Sometimes over-excitement. A need to slow down.
Hole- Escape. Search. Denial. Looking for an answer or hidden from it.
Cow (since it was the closest thing I could find to Hickory Farms holiday Yard O' Beef from a mall kiosk)- Docile and productive. Great prosperity in all ventures but watch out your own affairs carefully. Cows promise abundant fulfillment of hopes and desires.
I don't know how accurate this online dream dictionary really is. According to this analysis, I am trying to escape from the over-stimulation of a Yard O' Beef that will bring me all my wildest dreams and desires. I find it disheartening that I don't eat meat, yet this dream shows I will be eternally stuck in a hole with the Yard O' Beef. Is this a metaphor for men in general or perhaps a gentle reminder to start my Christmas shopping to avoid holiday stress?
Maybe I just need a better dream dictionary?
Now it's Cardioke! I saw an infomercial for this while I was working out the other night and I nearly peed my stretchy pants. I get the whole concept that it's a great workout to sing and dance together, and we all know the rigors that high-energy singer/dancers like Madonna or Justin Timberlake go through to be able to do what they do on stage. But they get paid to sing. Part of their job is to sing and dance... together. We are disappointed if they are not smoking hot. They're not old lady neighbor, Betty, trying to belt out the lyrics to "Unwritten." The last time I heard a rendition of "Unwritten" that horrifying, I had lapsed into a vodka-induced coma while watching episodes of The Hills.
I had no idea that Billy Blanks (a.k.a. "Mr. Tai-Bo") had a son, and I wonder if Cardioke really is the "latest craze" or if he's trying to capitalize on all those family fitness dollars.
In case you'd like to start doing the Cardioke, here is the very same stretchy pants-wetting promo I saw with my very own eyes:
In other news, Gev left So You Think You Can Dance last night, which I wholeheartedly believe is one of the most undeserved exits in the show's four season history. His solo was amazing, he was the best all-around performer on the show, and I will miss seeing his cute face every Wednesday night. On the upshot, he'll be back to Utah and at dance rehearsals soon, I'm sure. Also, I'll have my Wednesday night freed up for Project Runway.
Last night, Gev had to change partners and ended up with fellow Utahn Chelsey. He's fantastic, such a good friend and it's great seeing him just kick some major ass on So You Think You Can Dance.
Check it out:
Nigel will forever have some kind of weird bias against Gev, it seems. It's like if he says anything complimentary, he has to negate it with some kind of backward, pithy slam. And the part about him not holding his own during the Jive was completely untrue, Gev is in it to win it and each week continues to prove why he will remain on the show for quite some time!
I've seen people reading magazines while driving, and there certainly is no shortage of people text messaging while behind the wheel. For some reason this morning, this guy's usage of a very large electric toothbrush made me laugh:
I don't like to make this blog too political, however, my friends Jon and Jaime down at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, UT have alerted me to this worthy cause. I'm thinking of getting a little adopted kitty (If I can get over the thought of becoming a single, cat lady. First step, get a cat. Second step, regrow the hymen) and I will definitely get a shelter animal if I do! If you're a blogger, please copy this information onto your blog to spread the word as much as we can!
From Adopt a dog on Facebook:
"If Sen. Barack Obama becomes president, he’ll instantly be faced with decisions that will affect millions of Americans. Obama will also soon be making a decision that could affect millions of American dogs. It has been reported that once the election is over, win or lose, the Obamas will be looking for a new four-legged family member (much to his daughters’ delight).
We, the members of this group, urge the Obama family to rescue a homeless dog. Whether they choose to adopt a purebred or a mutt, this action would undoubtedly cause a ripple effect to the benefit of all homeless animals. In a country where millions of dogs are killed each year in shelters, purchasing from a breeder or pet store is not an ethical choice. Taking a stand by choosing to save a life would set an example of the highest standard."
Click here for the Facebook page.
Click here to sign the petition.
Click here for the website
For the second year in a row, a Miss USA has turfed it during the Miss Universe pageant. Maybe because I seem to fall off things so often (generally at the gym), but I love watching people fall down. If they're not hurt, I like to watch the recovery process. With that, I bring you some of my favorite famous biffs.
Miss Universe pageant this year (Crystie Stewart, Miss USA 2008)
Miss Universe pageant last year (Rachel Smith, Miss USA 2007)
And from 2006, the Grape Stomp will go down in history as my favorite fall... ever!
There are few things more relaxing than getting a fresh pedicure. In fact, I rank a pedicure just somewhere between a fairly explicit mid-day Daniel Craig fantasy and finding a hot pair of True Religion jeans marked down. But yesterday's pedicure experience left me a bit off-kilter, though with fabulous toes.
I went to the gym for quite some time yesterday and decided my toes needed a little TLC. I located a cheapie "Open on Sunday in Utah" pedicure place and got seated even without an appointment. Soon after I sat down and stuck my feet in the foot bath, this fairly harsh woman and her daughter rushed in and demanded immediate attention. The daughter sat down next to me, and as the pedicure girl began belt-sanding her callouses, she sort of stops and says to the girl, "You have toe fungus."
"I DO?!?" the girl gasped in shock.
I shot the girl a disgusted "You're such a dirty pirate-leper" look.
The pedicure girl confirmed, "Toe. Fungus."
The daughter didn't really say much, but just sat there and let pedicure girl continue (after pedicure girl located some plastic gloves), then when the daughter's rude mother insisted they sit together, she changed chairs.
"That lady said I have toe fungus, mom," said the daughter as she put on her paper flip flops and waddled down the row of chairs. "TOE FUNGUS!!"
The rude mother replied, "That's ridiculous. You're not dirty."
Meanwhile, another customer came in and was seated in dirty toe fungus daughter's original chair. Now, waaaait a minute! Dirty toe fungus daughter changes chairs, and though they put new water in her original foot bath, I didn't ever see anybody use any bleach and/or disinfectant.
Though my new toes are so bright I will be able to dress like a ninja and jog barefoot at night without getting hit by a car, I have to wonder if I need to be more concerned with the cleanliness of establishments I frequent.
I've written before about my little gym mishaps, but the other night actually left me with a bit of an injury. Simply put, I fell off the treadmill.
Apparently when you use an armband holder for your iPod, you're supposed to put the device in UPSIDE-DOWN so you can read the display and so the scroll wheel isn't backward for you. I failed to do this, and thought I would live with it for just one workout.
About 15 minutes into my run on the treadmill, I became restless with my music selection and began fiddling with the improperly stowed iPod. I must have been listing to the side because my foot got caught on the side of the moving belt and it wasn't until I was sort of flailing off the side and then down the whole length of the treadmill onto the floor that I saw my life flash in front of my eyes.
I picked myself back up, and ran even faster as if to say, "See? I'm still INCREDIBLY athletic!" but appalled that nobody rushed to my rescue; not even to ask if I was okay. Still, maybe it is karma that if I would've seen me, I would've laughed uncontrollably too.
From the Deseret News today, an ice cream shop customer allegedly found Jesus staring back from some Spumoni. My favorite quote from the photo, "We weren't sure if we should scoop... him." So the Holy Trinity is chocolate, pistachio and strawberry?
My question: if Jesus were going to appear to us, why does he continually choose to appear in food? Grilled Cheese sandwiches and now ice cream. I guess I sort of assumed he was healthier than that, what with all the fishes and loaves and stuff.
But that's just me.
I'm sure 7-11 will love me for this, but mark down that in honor of July 11 (that's tomorrow) it's free Slurpee day! That's right! On 07/11 head down to your neighborhood 7-11 and pick up your free ounces of liquid crack, err, sugar.
On the upshot, they make Crystal Light Slurpees these days and I think you can score one for about 30 calories.
Just add vodka.
Hey all, haven't necessarily been very motivated to post on the old blog lately. Mostly because I think that all four of my readers have dropped off.
Until I find my motivation, I ran across this article that sounded quite a bit like something that would happen to me.
With that, I present, "Teen finds bat in her bra while wearing it" for your Wednesday viewing pleasure:
From KUTV.com
Abbie Hawkins was left in shock after realizing a bat had been curled up inside her bra for five hours while she was wearing it.
The 19-year-old says she found a baby bat, about the size of her hand, tucked away in the padded pocket of her undergarment.
She says, "it looked very snug in there and I thought how mean I was for disturbing it."
Hawkins says she got dressed for work as usual and felt a slight vibration when driving but thought her cell phone was going off.
The bat apparently got into Hawkins' bra when the bra was hanging on the clothing line outside the night before.
The bat was unharmed and released outside.
Heading out of town for the next week-ish so I won't be posting. Maybe I will. Who knows?
If I stay sober, I'll post.
If not, I still might post. Look at tonight, for example. Much red wine while packing and still letting all my loyal reader* know I'm leaving on vacation to my brother's wedding and might not be posting.
I'm such a good kid.
*Yes, that's a joke, not a drunk slip.
Every once in awhile, I do a post with random thoughts. Actually, every post is pretty random, but rather than a specific story about something, here are some things that have been kicking around in my head.
1. Gold's Gym needs to have some kind of an edit button on their televisions that disallows food commercials from playing to people working out. I don't want to be sweating my figurative balls off on a treadmill while watching that Honda CR-V commercial that turns cookie dough into an SUV. I don't want to see people eating Wendy's hand-twirled shakes. Papa John's pizza commercials that pop up at the gym are also evil. To that turn, I don't want to walk outside and smell greasy restaurant food from Fiddler's Elbow, Salt Lake Pizza and Pasta or Pei Wei. It's just plain mean.
2. Making a grilled cheese sandwich on the stove with buttery-flavored spray, 45-calorie wheat bread and fat-free cheese is nearly as satisfying as using the full octane ingredients. I have also discovered fake eggs in a milk carton-like container are great for a quick omelette. Throw in some Laughing Cow cheese and it's a party in every breakfast. Almost.
3. It's June 11 and I just had the heat on. I also wore my favorite cashmere sweater to work today. Global. Warming. My. Ass.
4. Vote for Gev on So You Think You Can Dance tonight.
5. I found a glorious recipe for fake breaded chicken fingers that are easy, yummy and low calorie. God bless the Hungry Girl Web site. Check out the chicken fingers recipe here and then buy the book for more ideas. I have to warn you that the low cal alfredo, however, isn't as satisfying. All of the ingredients globbed into a giant low-cal parmesean ball, rendering it inedible. Maybe it's me. If you have success, let me know.
6. For some reason, the word "wang" really made us laugh at lunch today. It made my whole day better.
7. There was a lady in Orem who just threw away $200,000 and didn't realize it until the garbage truck was at the landfill. She and her friend went there, and after saying a prayer, found the bag containing the money. I'm wondering if this whole "prayer" thing works even if you didn't chuck your two-hundred grand. If so, I "pray" for Jonathan Knight of the New Kids on the Block (or a guy from New England) to call, a lifetime supply of Diet Dr. Pepper and, oh fine, world peace. I'm guessing, though, these three things are not sitting in a landfill in Utah County. Click here for the story from KUTV News.
8. Mascara and luggage locks will actually cost you $50 in other impulse buys.
9. Because my airline of choice only lets passengers check one piece of luggage, I had to shell out for a new suitcase last night. Though extremely cute (see picture above), I now realize the charge for checking two smaller bags is less than the charge for a new large bag.
10. I'm feeling a little blah lately. Come see Rocky Horror on Saturday night, and buy me a shot. (Another shameless plug, click here for the post from earlier today.)
Yep, Rocky Horror in Concert again THIS Saturday night! Don't miss it, because who knows when we'll do it again? Also, check out my legs in the picture above... sure, I'm just in the band, but the legs look really good and are worth the price of admission alone.
(That was a shameless plug for my legs)
Here's the info for the show:
Rocky Horror Show in Concert!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Time: 10:00pm - 11:45pm
Location: MoDiggity's (a private club for members)
3424 S. State St.
Salt Lake City, UT
Click here for map
The Rocky Horror Show LIVE in Concert returns for one fabulous summer night in June! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure!
Tickets are $12 at the door.
Advanced purchase and group discounts available online at http://www.rockyhorrorinconcert.com/tickets.html
For more information, go to www.myspace.com/therockyhorrorshow2007 and/or www.rockyhorrorinconcert.com
So, show up and since I'm getting ready to go on vacation next week, I'll let you buy me a shot of Patron! Isn't that nice of me?
After waiting a week for the crowds of women to clear, Urban Princess and I went and saw Sex and the City this afternoon. While it was a nice bit of diversion from the stress and melancholia of the past week, I wouldn't say it was a great movie that I'd recommend as a "totally must-see."
You can understand my disappointment since Sex and the City was one of my favorite shows. I still watch the episodes over and over whenever I'm feeling down as I own every season on DVD. I woke up this morning early to fit in a long workout before settling into my movie treat of Diet Coke and Red Vines, and I felt like I was treated to two hours of Cream of Wheat. Bland. Too much effort for the payoff. It was pretty ho-hum, and left me bummed. (That rhymed)
Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of funny moments. One line in particular even made me laugh out loud. However, when I actually make the time to go to a movie theatre, I don't want to walk away feeling like something is missing. Sex and the City was missing a plot. Over two hours of celluloid, and no storyline. Yep, I said it. I don't think this makes me less of a woman to shun the bandwagon, I think it shows I have taste.
In one summation, while the shoes and clothes were brilliant, it just wasn't enough.
Chalk this up to another case of a television show translating poorly to the big screen. I guess the only thing more boring would've been a full length Golden Girls movie.
As the sound of a rainstick filled the Wendy's lunchtime bustling, we realized the lady had pulled out just one lid too many.
I exaggerate. Gas isn't quite $4 a gallon; the gas I bought this morning was only $3.87. ONLY! I remember when I started driving, and had to gas up my mom's Ford Thunderbird. Gas was $1.25. On a bad week. My, how times have changed.
At 6:30 this morning I stopped to put gas in my vehicle and as the dollars ticked higher and higher, I felt something like a rain shower on top of my head. As I looked up, I noticed that a piece of the gas pump that connects the hose to the top of the unit was broken and gasoline was shooting out like a Bellagio fountain (sans the Andrea Bocelli soundtrack). There I stood, marinading in "Regular," mad that not only did I stink, but seeing all that gas pooling on the pavement was like flushing a wad of twenties down the toilet.
What's even worse, was that when I finally shut off the pump and hung up the nozzle, I went inside and told the lady, "Hey, your pump out there is broken and raining gas down onto people." She replied, "Oh yeah, I forgot to write that up the other day."
The other day?!?
I had just enough time to change my outfit this morning, but I probably wouldn't smell my hair until I can go home and wash it.
I've always wondered what it would be like to have a big rack, but I always said that it would mess up my dancing. Thanks to Kelly, I now see that is a completely accurate assumption! 
With Kelly's brilliant vision, I have my breast dream embodied... err, emBOOBIED! Again, check out her blog here for a daily dose of her girl-powered cartoons. Such an artistic talent! (I like the pointe shoes she gave me; they make my arches look perfect! If I could just see my feet over my boobs!)
I've never used a fortune pump before, but this particular gas station brings insight on gas prices, undoubtedly.
Also magically typifies my thoughts on the day so far.
Upon further reflection, I have to comment on this rogue editor's blatant non-use of the adverb "slowly." Was he being smartly cheeky or does he need to "pull his head out" too?
Upon further further reflection, I apparently have to "pull MY head out" as another rogue editor, to my delight, has added a proper "ly" to "slow." All is right in grammarland.
